Betrayed
by joelscott
Summary: A week after the Whomping Willow incident, Remus has lost everything. Pointing his wand to his wrist he mutters "Diffindo". As he closes eyes waiting for death, Remus thinks back to what led him to this. S/R slash, attempted suicide. A series of flashbacks from both Remus's and Sirius's prospective starting with the Willow incident.
1. Chapter 1

**AN: SOOOOOOOO, guess who received some AMAZING news since I last wrote? Not Chevy Chase, not Justin "I'm a closet Eunuch" Bieber, and not even Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of Great Britain, Ireland and the British Dominions beyond the Seas(Insert my rant about why America should have a monarchy and my personal love and admiration of Her Majesty, her father, and many members of the royal families) T'was I! I got the news a paper I wrote last semester on the role of the media in the abdication crisis of Edward VIII is being published in a history journal, yayness! I'm going to be a published historian :-D That said, I've been itching to write some Remmie/Siri. Got this idea while doing a paper for homework. Nothing owned by me, it's all JK's. This will be about 2 or 3 chapters long. Please read and review!**

**Betrayed**

It was a dark, dreary night. I could hear the sounds of the others sleeping as I kept my sleepless vigil. It was too much. What was the bloody point? It had happened and there was nothing I could do to erase it.

Rising from my bed, I grabbed my wand, and headed to the loo.

Here I am now…looking into the mirror but not seeing my reflection, but seeing Lily, James, and Peter. Would they miss me? I'm sure at least a little bit. But they would be free from the danger of being the friend of a werewolf. James and Peter wouldn't have to pretend to be angry with Sirius anymore and things would go back to the way they should be.

Moving from the mirror I raise my wand to the door. '_Colloportus'. __I _The locks in the clicked and a small red outline of the door glowed briefly. This was for the best. They didn't need me the way I needed them. Sirius didn't need me at all…but he…he was my oxygen. I needed him and his love. Now that I realized I had never had his love, what was the point? Sitting down on the floor I pointed the end of my wand to my left wrist. "_D..Di…Diffindo_!" The cut in my wrist was deep and dark red blood erupted out of the cut, covering my arms, boxers, legs, and the floor. I examined the wound in a strangly unattached manner as if I were looking at something not connected to me. After a few seconds I closed my eyes, laid my head against the wall and closed my eyes.

Eight ago I had been the happiest that I ever had been before in my life. I had everything I could ever have dreamed of and more. I had three amazing friends whom I loved deeply. James, the arrogant yet caring leader of the Marauder's the little goof-ball gang I was part of. Peter the shy yet funny friend who was always good for a good game of wizard's chess. Lily who is so sweet and smart. Like the Marauder's she had accepted not only my lycanthropy, but she was also the first person I came out as gay too. I feared rejection from her and my other friends, but the complete opposite had happened. They all embraced me for who I was and Sirius…he had become the light of my life.

When I told the Marauder's I was gay we sat in silence that seemed to stretch for eternity. The first person to react was Peter. He got up and went for his trunk. My stomach fell…he was going to demand to be moved to a new dorm. Instead he pulled out a bag of money and pulled out four galleons and silently deposited two each to Sirius and James who accepted it with smiles. It took another two seconds to realize what was going on. "You three made BETS?" I asked incredulously. The three nodded

"James and I had been wondering since second year. We both agreed you would come out fifth year and sure enough!" All of them started to laugh and only barley was Sirius able to choke out, "But..Wormy…thought..it would be…seventh year." And the roars of laughter continued. They took bets on my sexuality? I could murder them…instead; I pulled out my wand, "_Levicorpus_!" I laughed as their own laughter turned to shouts of panic.

Two nights later I was prowling the astronomy tower. It was a cold October Sunday night and I just felt like I had to get away from everyone. Not long after I had arrived I heard someone else coming. When the door opened I caught Sirius's scent…and it made me weak at the knees. When Sirius finally came through the door I started to get nervous though. He had a very troubled countenance that graced his features.

"Remus, we need to talk." He said simply. The years I had known Sirius taught me that when he said "We need to talk" means I need to sit back, shut up, and let him get off of his chest what he needed to. I did as much.

Sirius started to pace, hi right hand running through his black locks of hair and his left fiddled nervously in his pocket. "Remus, the other day when you told us that you were gay, it wasn't exactly the biggest shock I'd ever received. But Remus, when you actually said the magical word, I realized our friendship simply can't continue." He stopped pacing and looked at me as he said the last few words.

I don't know what it is like for someone to rip open your body and pull out all your organ's feels like, but the feeling I was experiencing must be similar. I felt completely hollow inside. My grasp of reality was gone, I could hear him speaking but words meant nothing. I had lost Sirius…someone whom I had loved as a broth…who am I kidding? I loved his as more. I long since have come to terms with the fact that I would never have him as a lover…but not even as a friend…I could feel the tears starting to form in my eyes. But I would NOT let them be shed, I would not let him take my dignity.

"Moony…Moony…REMUS!" Sirius's shouting brought me back to reality. "You faded out there for a minute chap. So, what do you have to say?" I took a few deep steadying breaths. "I totally understand Padfoot. I should have realized, I mean, the signs were there when I told you and the other two I was gay…" Sirius cut me off. He looked incredulous. "Really? Wow, you can really read me then Moons. I mean, I did everything I could not to really show how I felt, I figured it would make things uncomfortable." I just shook my head. "I…I could just tell. I'm sorry, Sirius. I'll ask McGonagall to move me to a different dormitory…"

Again, Sirius cut me off. "Why would I want you in a different dormitory?" My calm façade was starting to crack and I could hear the pain in my voice as I glared at him, "Because you think I'm a sick fucker for being a poof, I should have known you would hate…" "HATE? Moons, did you not hear a word said?"

Rolling his eyes he took a step forward, wrapped his arm around my waist and brought his lips to mine. I thought my legs would give out. His lips were much softer than I had ever imagined, almost delicate. I didn't know how long the kiss lasted, but when it broke apart I had to gasp for air…I had forgot to breath. "Remus John Lupin, I could never hate you. I love you more than anything in the world."

That had been a year ago today. In the intervening year I had fallen more deeply in love with Sirius than I ever thought was possible. I had become used to the idea of being alone my entire life. A gay werewolf was not exactly on many peoples list of people to date. But finding out the man who held my heart returned the feelings…it had been a year of bliss. Even when Sirius had run away from home because his parents found out about our relationship could not disturb either of us.

Even when in the last week he had seemed distant, I didn't give it much thought. I tried what I could do to cheer him up and at times it seemed to work. Whenever I asked him what was wrong he would smile and insist nothing, then he would plant a kiss on me and we would move on.

But last week…it had been the full moon. I knew something was wrong the moment I awoke that morning. My body was on fire, I was certain of it. My body was absorbed in pain I hadn't felt since the Marauder's had started to join me on the full moon. My eyes darted around my bed in the hospital wing. An old man with flowing white hair and a beard that reached his waist stood at the foot of my bed. The usual twinkle in Professor Dumbledore eyes was gone. Beside him on either side were Prongs and Wormtail, looking as solemn as I had ever seen them.

They explained to me how Sirius had told Snape to hit the knot of the Whomping willow and had glimpsed me in my furry condition. It was only a few hours later when James and Peter had been forcibly ejected from the Hospital Wing by Madam Pomfrey that Sirius came in. He looked as pale as I felt; I had seen corpses with more color. His face was puffy and red, I could tell he had been crying and his voice was barely perceptible. "Moony, sweet heart, I'm sorry!" By the time he choked out my name he had dissolved into tears again. I was shocked I hadn't broken down. I was shocked that I felt nothing at all. I felt void. "Sirius, please leave." I murmured, just loud enough for him to hear.

"Please, love, let me explain." He pleaded as he approached my bed. I looked into his eyes and could see that his regret was sincere. But regret for what I pondered? Regret he had hurt me? Regret he almost killed another student? Probably not, he was a Black. Their true motto is "Save your own ass first." He was in trouble, lots of it, and this would be why there was regret. Regret he had got caught.

My voice was monotone, I tried to inject some type of emotion, but it simply wasn't in me. "Sirius, there is nothing to explain. You betrayed my trust and my love." Sirius's legs gave out and he collapsed next to my bed and wept uncontrollably. His hands attempted to hold mine. I pulled my hand away and just stared at him, my blind completely blank.

Alerted by his louds sobs, Madam Pomfry came in and shooed him out of the Hospital Wing. The next week passed by and I avoided Sirius. I refused to look at him or acknowledge him in anyway. I was afraid that if I did, I would fall apart.

At night, when I prayed for sleep, or more preferably, death, to come, I laid there thinking I should have known this would happen. I should have known that Sirius Black could never have loved me. How could I have been so stupid and rash in thinking someone could actually love me? He had to have planned this.

Perhaps he had realized how over his head he was in and how in love with him I was. He had to have known had he broken up with me it would have spelled the end of the Marauders, the end of his perfect group. So what better way to no longer have to date me and keep James and Peter than to not only get rid of me, but the man he hated most, Severus Snape. Two birds with one stone as the saying goes. Of course it went south, so what else was he to do? Plead a lapse of judgment and his famous temper and things would go back to normal.

With these thoughts racing through my mind I opened my eyes. I was shocked by the amount of blood that now surrounded me. Who knew the human body could hold so much? Well, a doctor, but as I was not a doctor, it could come as a shock without any snickering. The scene before me was fuzzy and I could tell my focus on reality was failing. This was for the best.


	2. Chapter 2: Discovered

**AN: Thank you all soooooo very much for the reviews. Margarette, Cause4Rebllion, WickedWillows, imSiriuslyLupin4you, I love you all! If you want a public declaration of love than you should review too! Please, please, please review! I beg you! If you don't I'll cry…seriously…I have no shame. Anyway, this chapter isn't nearly as good as it is being written as I fight my devilish battle with that wicked thing called insomnia. As always JK owns everything. I am a mere admirer and I wish her and her family many happy years. **

**PSAN: This is from Padfoot's pov. **

**Discovered **

I have not slept more than an hour or two at a time in the past week and it was beginning to seriously get to me. How could I have betrayed Remus like I that? I could feel new tears start to stream out of my eyes. I had never been one to cry, it wasn't something that was encouraged at Grimmauld Place. "A Black does not cry. That is for lesser people." It was a saying I had heard my father repeat many times over.

It was one of the rules I had actually followed, so even when life was at its hardest, my eyes stayed dry. There were only a couple exceptions. The first was when Remus and I shared our first kiss on top of the astronomy tower. In the two days since Remus officially came out to us, James had been threatening me with every curse he knew until I told Remus how I felt about him. That night Remus and seemed restless and ended up leaving the common room, muttering something about getting some air. After several minutes James pulled out his wand and pointed it at me. "Go tell him you dirty mutt or you will be transformed into one of McGonagall's bras."

I shivered. If I wasn't gay before that I definitely would be now. I nodded and made my way to the tower. Remus was leaning on the rail, lost in thought.

"Remus, we need to talk." I said simply. I took a deep and steadying breath.

I started to pace, and to conceal my shaking hands I put my right hand running through hair. "Remus, the other day when you told us that you were gay, it wasn't exactly the biggest shock I'd ever received. But Remus, when you actually said the magical word, I realized our friendship simply can't continue." I stopped pacing and looked him in the eyes. I felt my mind begin to go off track. Every time I looked directly in his eyes I got lost in them. They were so warm and inviting and they pulled me in. At first I had tried to resist but now I was all too willing to sink into their depths.

"The fact is Moony is that I haven't had just friendly feelings for you in quite a while. Just over time I realized that when I looked at you my heart would gallop, my palms would get sweaty and generally all those nice signs of something deeper than friendship. The truth is…I love you Remus John Lupin and if you feel the same, I'd like to take you on a date this weekend, just the two of us." I continued to stare at him waiting for some kind of reaction…but there was nothing. He didn't run away nor did he run up and cover my sexy body in kisses. In fact, it rather looked like the lights were on but nobody was home.

I cleared my throat. "Moony…Moony…REMUS!" I shouted at the top of my lungs the last word. "You faded out there for a minute chap. So, what do you have to say?"

He looked scared and his voice was shaky when he responded. "I totally understand Padfoot. I should have realized, I mean, the signs were there when I told you and the other two I was gay…" I rolled my eyes and cut across him. "Really? Wow, you can really read me then Moons. I mean, I did everything I could not to really show how I felt, I figured it would make things uncomfortable." I just shook my head. "I…I could just tell. I'm sorry, Sirius. I'll ask McGonagall to move me to a different dormitory…"

I was feeling very frustrated by this point. "Why would I want you in a different dormitory?" Remus' response was terse. "Because you think I'm a sick fucker for being a poof, I should have known you would hate…" I took a few steps closer to Remus until he was just a breath away. "HATE? Moons, did you not hear a word said?" I put my arm around his waist and let my lips touch his. It was even better than I had imagined…and I had imagined it many, many, many a time. As I he started to kiss back I could feel a single tear escape my closed eyes. This was perfect.

But this week…this week and broken me. I cried more this past week than ever in my life, many times over.

I was running late that wretched night. The reason for my tardiness was a detention with McGonagall. For some random reason she didn't like the cat scratching post the Marauders and I had bought her. Since I was the one who presented it to her at the beginning of class, I had been singled out for the detention.

I was making my way through the entrance courtyard when I bumped into a man who had enough grease in his hair it could have supplied the world for eons. I did my best to ignore him; I had much more important things to do that deal with that hooked nose git.

"Black, why are you in such a hurry? Off to breed your bitch?" All thought of getting to the Shrieking Shack was gone. No one ever called Remus a bitch, especially when it was Severus Snape. I wheeled at him, pulling my wand as I did, but he was quicker. I had barley even thought of a spell than I was thrown against a wall of the castle.

"Sorry, not this time Black. But did that offend you? I was simply telling the truth. Lupin is just your bitch; he's the collective bitch of your little group. The wimp couldn't take two steps without of you holding his hand." Snape came closer as I struggled to get up. His face had a malicious grin as he insulted Remus.

"You don't even know Remus, you berk. Remus could destroy you without a wand and you'd never stand a chance." Snape just grinned all the more. "Really? I'd like that to happen. But I doubt it will. He's too fragile to fight for himself after all."

I was beyond on boiling point. I hated this misconception about Remus. People just assumed that the scrawny bookworm was defenseless and weak and the Marauders provided him protection. In truth, Remus was stronger than the Marauders and Gryffindor house combined. Month after month and year after year he put up with his transformations with little protest. Even when the wounds would have killed another, Remus would bear it without so much as a groan of pain. For this pathetic greasy hair git to call Remus defenseless and weak…it was nauseating.

"Fine, Snivellus. You want your chance? You can have it. Remus will be all alone and defenseless and you can take your shot at him. In half an hour go to the Whomping Willow, there is a small knob at the base of it, hit it and go through the tunnel. But I promise you, Remus will tear you to bloody pieces." Snape smiled and slashed his wand again and sent me flying back at the wall and all went black.

When I came around I looked at my watch. I had been out ten minutes. Slowly the conversation I had with Snape came back. It felt like a pile of bricks slide down my throat and into my stomach. Only one word entered my brain and it came out of my mouth in a loud shout. "SHIT!" I blurted and ran faster than I had ever run in my life. I had made it up two flights of the Grand Staircase when I finally ran into Prongs and Wormy. "Ja…Jam…Prongs, I messed up…" I tried to speak as clearly as I could but my body yearning for oxygen made it hard. "Snape…I told him…knot on the willow, Moony…MOONY" I screamed the last word in desperation. What had I done? The pain of my own treachery to my Moony had fully and totally gripped me and my shaking legs gave out.

The look on James's face was absolute terror. 'YOU DID WHAT?" he roared. Without waiting for a response James tore off for the door, as he did he shouted, "PETE, GET DUMBLEDORE!"

My reminiscences about this horrible week were interrupted as I heard someone nearby stir and get out of bed. It was Remus. I could see him through the gap of the bed curtains; he grabbed his wand and made his way to the bathroom. He still wasn't talking to me. Nor were any of the other Marauders. It was like I was in my own personal cloister with no contact to anyone I loved. I hated seeing Remus in his bed.

Until the past week Remus hadn't been in his own bed since the year started nearly 5 months ago. I yearned to feel his warm figure beside me again. I loved being physical with him, and it wasn't just the sex. It was more than that. It was just holding him. It was hearing his slow steady breaths as fell asleep. I missed being able plant a small kiss on his neck and let my face linger there, taking in his exquisite aroma. I missed watching him wake up. His eyes slowly opening and the small smile he got whenever he realized I was watching him. Every time I saw him smile I feel even more madly in love him with.

But that was all gone now. I had seen to that. My body began to tremble again as I tried to stop myself sobbing for the fourth or fifth time that day, I didn't keep track anymore. It would be between class, at meals, or once, as I served one of my many detentions to come. It had taken Professor McGonagall by surprise as had been conversing with Professor Dumbledore and had merely mentioned something about the moon. It was too close to 'Moony' and I broke down.

After several seconds I felt a warm arm over my shoulder. Professor Dumbledore had come to me. He lowered his face near mine and looked at me, his bright blue eyes shining underneath his half-moon specs. "The void of feeling like you have lost a loved one is the deepest form of darkness's in our lives. It seems like the darkness is indestructible. But even when there is a flicker of love left, it is enough because in the heart of the darkness's strength lies weakness: one lone flicker is enough to hold it back. Love is more than a flicker. Love can ignite the stars."

How does that man always have the words to make you feel better I wondered? I was lost in my thoughts for what seemed an eternity. I was waiting for Remus to come back out of the loo. I wanted to glimpse him again and take in his awe striking beauty.

After more time passed I realized my bladder was becoming uncomfortably heavy. Maybe…just maybe if I go in there under the pretense of having to use the loo I could get the chance to stare into his eyes again.

I slid out of my bed and made my way to the door and tried to open it. It wouldn't budge. Playing with the knob a bit the door could not budge. I put my ear to the door and listening…nothing. Had he gone in there and fallen asleep?

Going back to the bed, I grabbed my wand and went back to the door and mumbled, "Alohomora". The door clicked and slowly opened.

I stepped in and looked around. On the far end of the room I saw something that instantly erased all conscience thought in my mind. It was a sickening sight and I blinked once to see if that would change the scene, because this was not happening. Remus was lying on the floor. His body was deathly pale and motionless. His lips, the lips that I had so many times pressed to mine, were parted ever so slightly as were his eye lids. His usually kind and inviting brown eyes were vacant. He was lying in a pool of crimson colored fluid, blood.

I felt like everything surrounding me had melted into nonexistence. The only thing that existed was the broken and bloodied body of the man I loved. I opened my mouth to yell, to shout to the heavens, for anybody to hear, to help. Nothing would come. Only a strangled noise escaped from my mouth. I ran to Remus and dropped into my knees, covering them in my loves blood.

I pulled him into my lap and cradled him, and sobbed into hair. I mustered my entire being and di the only thing I knew, the person who could help me. "JAMES! JAMES! QUICK, REMUS, REMUS!" I practically howled the last name. As I screamed I placed a hand to Remus's chest…I could feel something very faint stirring. I yelled again, "JAMES, PETER, QUICKLY!"

I heard a crashing noise in the adjoining room. A few seconds later I heard James voices coming closer, "I swear to God, Black, I could care less…" his voice cut off abruptly and he entered. He was by my side in second. "What happened?" he asked frantically. "I don't know! I found him like this!" James started to examine Remus' body and quickly found the wound on his left wrist that was still issuing a small but steady trickle of blood. "Bollocks!" James exclaimed. Grabbing Remus' wand next to him he whispered a spell at the wound and it sealed itself. Waving the wand again Remus rose into the air.

"We have to get him to the hospital wing. Run ahead of me and let Madam Pomfrey know we are coming."

"NO!" I shouted. By this time the door to the loo was blocked by Peter and Frank who gasped in shock. "You do it; I'm not leaving his side!" James looked as if he was going to argue but nodded. I would not use magic. I was going to hold him in my arms. He was going to feel my warmth; he was going to feel that he wasn't alone. James took off at full speed pass the two in the door. "OUT OF THE WAY!" I shouted and the two complied wordlessly. As I made my way out of the dorm I yelled, "Pete, tell McGonagall what happened."

The race to the infirmary took forever. I held Remus as close to me as I could my tears falling fast onto him. "I'm not going to lose you, Moony, I will NOT lose you" I kept telling him. But in the back of my mind, a terrible cold and cruel voice spoke to me, "He's gone, you've already lost him. You did this. You drove him to this. You killed Remus Lupin." The thought nearly made me throw up. If Remus died…it would be my fault. If he died, I would be following I swore to myself.

After a few turns and going down some stairs I turned a corner and saw Madam Pomfrey and James rushing toward me. The two joined me on either side as we made our way into the hospital wing and to the nearest bed. Laying Remus on the bed as gently but quickly as I could, I let my lips meet his. His lips once so warm and burning with passion were cool and had a pastel tint to them.

The kiss only lasted a few second. Madam Pomfrey roughly shoved me out of the way and drew the curtains around her and Remus. I stumbled back and fell to the ground, clenching my clothes that were stained with blood and moaned, "Remus, please live my love. Please live."


	3. Chapter 3: Crying, Waiting, Hoping

**AN: Hello all! I am but two weeks away from summer break! Granted I am taking a couple summer courses, I will definitely be able to write more! :-D Of course, how much I write will be decided on the whole if you review thing! **_**Am, Margarette, luck-life, Cause4Rebellion, Goldeneyedbeatle, imSiriuslyLupin4you**_** have done their part and given me the fuel I need to continue! Please accept my deepest thank you for you very sweet words! Thank you all so kindly. And I supposed a thank you to every who still reads…even if they don't review :-/ I still love you! Anyway, hope you all enjoy this chapter! If you like this fanfic you may enjoy my other epic fanfic, The Life of Albus Dumbledore, which can be found by going to my profile. Check it and my other stories out! :-D **

**Chapter 3: Crying, Waiting, Hoping**

"This isn't happening." That is all I could tell myself as the seconds turned into minutes. "This isn't happening." I would close my eyes for a few seconds and open them again, yet the hospital wing did not dissolve. I wasn't warm in my bed and this wasn't a nightmare. It was real. "He might day." I said in my mind. The idea of Moony dead…I had to put my hands over my mouth to stop myself from vomiting. But the thought will not go away. Images start to flash through my head. The way Remus looked at me after the Willow incident, the way Remus looked tonight crumpled against a bathroom wall soaked in blood…Remus, cold, pale, and still inside a coffin.

The last thought is what does it. The little I ate for supper comes rushing out of my mouth and onto the floor in front of me and I can't stop myself from sobbing. I don't know how long I sat there; it seemed like hours but in all probability, just minuets since I got here. A warm hand on my shoulder brings me out of my sickening thoughts. It's James, accompanied by Dumbledore and McGonagall. All three of whom look as sick as I was. Dumbledore looked ancient and there was no twinkle in his eyes tonight. McGonagall's lips were pursed so tight they had lost their color and James…pale as Remus was and his lips which always seemed ready to break into a grin were a straight line, any chance of a smile gone. Dumbledore and McGonagall strode into the curtains that hid Remus from sight. I caught a brief glimpse of his right foot before the curtains were again closed. I could hear three low and urgent voices speaking and hear the whooshing of spells.

James sat down next to me and just looked at me. There was no need for words. In that instant I realized that I had been forgiven by him. He saw the anguish in my face, the tears pouring down my eyes, and the vomit covered floor. I think this is the first time he actually understood the depth of my love for Remus. Maybe he finally understood that when I told Remus "I love you" they just weren't words to me, because they weren't. Every cell in my body screamed my love for Remus whenever he was around or on my mind. They were never quite, I needed him. "If he doesn't live, I don't either." I thought to myself and I meant every word. A world without Remus John Lupin was not a world I neither wanted to nor could live in.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see James open and close his mouth. He was speechless as I was. "Did he have…was he…was he alive when you handed him over?" His voice was barely perceptible. I nodded once, not trusting myself to open my mouth. James let out a deep sigh and buried his head into his hands.

The seconds ticked, each seeming like an eternal night. Finally, McGonagall emerged from behind the curtain. Again, I caught a brief glimpse of what was going on behind the curtain. Dumbledore had his wand out and it was pointed at Remus, whose body was covered in a purple mist that issued from the Headmasters wand. McGonagall stared at the two of us, her face ashen and yet more kindly than I had ever seen it. "Potter, Black, perhaps it is best you return to your dormitory. There isn't anything you can do here. I will keep you updated"

My eyes locked onto her eyes. "No." I said simply and quietly and looked back at the curtains. "Mr. Black, it wasn't an optio-" I wasn't going to deal with this shit. She was not going to separate me from Moony. I cut across her as sharply as I had every talked to someone in my life. "Professor, I will leave this room under only two conditions. One is hand in hand with Remus. The second is in a wooden box because either Remus has…didn't make it or because Dumbledore, Poppy, and you have hexed into oblivion."

McGonagall's eyes turned hard as stone for a moment. They searched into mine and as they did they softened. I could tell by the look on her face she realized that I was completely serious. "Very well, Black. You and Potter may stay."

I fell back into the chair I had been occupying and closed my eyes and listening for anything that was said behind the curtain, yet afraid I would here words that would tell me it was too late. A half hour went by before Professor Dumbledore emerged from behind the curtains. The Headmaster was pale, but a small twinkle had rekindled in his eyes. Remus, was going to live. I know it.

"He's going to make it." I said this not as a question, but out of instinct. Dumbledore nodded gravely and motioned for James and me to sit as we had stood whenever he had appeared. "Mr. Lupin sustained a very serious wound and lost almost half of his body. I have no doubt in saying that if you had been ten minutes later, Mr. Black, there would have been nothing any person could have done. You assuredly saved his life. Now, in cases like this, I am supposed to contact St. Mungo's. Since Mr. Lupin suffers from, what I believe Mr. Potter calls a "furry condition" Iwill not do this as the Ministry would investigate why Mr. Lupin did this and opening a whole new problem for us. I will be contacting his parents, until then, family only."

I opened my mouth to protest but before I could say a word Dumbledore had turned to James. "Mr. Potter, I know he is your friend, but I will have to ask you to leave. I'm sure Mr. Black will keep you informed of Mr. Lupin's progress. But I believe they need their alone time." James chewed his lip for a second but did not protest. James gave a quick glance at his hidden friend and looked at me. "Let me know as soon as he is up for a visit." I nodded. "Of course." After a brief glance between the two of us James slowly made his way to the door of the infirmary.

Dumbledore turned back to me. "I do not know why Mr. Lupin did this to himself. I can only assume it has to do with the events of the past week. I have seen how both of you have taken it, and to say it is atrocious falls woefully short of accurate. What I do know is you two have a very deep love of each other. He needs you now more than I ever I daresay. I also heard what you said earlier and it does not take an expert in legilimency to know you were not exaggerating in the least. Please feel free to stay as long as he needs you to. You will be excused from your classes."

Fresh tears of gratitude started to cascade down my face and I nodded and could only murmur a small thank you. I moved passed Dumbledore and past the curtain and gazed on Remus. He was still was very pale. But I noticed he was breathing evenly. Relief surged through my body, even more so than when Dumbledore told me Remus would be ok. I had to see it for myself. I had to confirm for myself that Remus was still alive.

I took in the sight. Remus, in all his paleness, still looked beautiful. His brown hair was still in its usually carefully combed state. He was still nude from when Madam Pomfrey had ripped off his clothes. It was a terrible yet striking sight. My gaze went from his face to his neck and chest where so many faint scars littered them. My eyes took me to his wrist, which was wrapped. This is where Remus had done it. Where Remus had pointed his own wand at it and tried to take his own life. I felt a sudden blast of fury at Remus, fury that Remus would be so bloody self-centered and rip himself away from me, from the Marauders, even from Lily.

My view of Remus was obstructed as Madam Pomfrey waved her wand and a pair of very comfortable looking pajamas appeared on Remus. She too looked pale, almost as pale as Remus. She was very fond of Remus and almost saw him as her own child. Month after month I saw how she took care of Remus after his transformation. The way she doted on him and lovingly made sure he was back in top conditions before she would be consider releasing him.

A sudden odd realization hit me. This had been the very bed Remus usually ended up in after the full moon. The first transformation after we had become a couple and just three full moons after James, Peter, and I had perfected our animagi powers, I had come in after Madam Pomfrey had retrieved him as usual. As he lay there, a smile on his face, I swooped in for a kiss on his lips. A sudden clatter made us all turn to see that Madam Pomfrey had dropped some items she had been carrying, her cheeks were burning red. She made as if it had been an accident but the several quick glances between Remus and I confirmed she had seen us.

Remus hit me playfully on the shoulder and tried to stop himself from smiling. "You dumb mutt, I told you no public affection. You are going to give Poppy a stroke." I grinned my crooked grin that I knew Remus loved and kissed him again. "Oh come on Remmie. You never know, two studs like us, she probably wants to join in." Remus just rolled his eyes, smiled and leaned in for another kiss. Half an hour later as Madam Pomfrey had checked Remus over one last time and told him he could leave, I could have sworn I saw here look at the two of us and small slightly.

But that was a different day. She had no smile as she looked at the two of us now, nor were there burning red cheeks. There were just tracks where tears had flown down both of our cheeks. "Rem…" Her voice was motherly as she started to say his name but quickly stopped herself. She corrected herself and adopted a more professional tone. "Mr. Lupin will not be awake for several hours. The Headmaster, against my advice might I add, insisted you stay here until he awakens. If you get tired, use the bed next to his." Casting one last glance at Remus she made her way out of the curtained off area, leaving just Remus and I.

Disregarding the bed beside him bollocks, I laid myself on the edge of the right side of his bed. I slide my left arm above Remus's head and intertwined my fingers and his hair and my right arm slide up his pajama top and positioned it on his chest and felt his heartbeat. More tears started to swell in my eyes. Every beat was so very exquisite to me. It was worth more to me than all the gold in the world.

Memories started to come back to me and I closed my eyes. The two of us, almost in the exact some position, but in Gryffindor tower. It was the Christmas holiday and the two of us were the only Gryffindor's left save a second year that stayed to himself. It was the first night of the holiday when we had made love for the first time.

We had been in bed cuddling and just talking about different things. One hand ran through his soft hair and the other and crept under his shirt. Remus seemed a bit scared, he could feel the excitement that was pulsating from me, but he was trying to pretend it wasn't there. "I still think that if we are going to do a map, we will need to do it outside of just the full moon. I really don't think it prudent that a werewolf be inside the castle." I smiled and moved so that I was on all fours with Remus underneath me. "Oh why not Moony? People will be able to see what a wild animal you really are. Not the nerdy bookworm they assume you do be." With each word I had moved my face closer to his until our lips met.

My tongue snaked out of my mouth and demanded access to Remus's, which complied. The kiss was intense and grew more passionate. My body lowered until it was on top of Remus. As we kissed my right hand which had been cupping his cheek moved down until it was just beside a bulge that was quickly forming in his pants. My hand gently moved a few inches until it was rubbing the bulge. Remus let out a quick gasp and pulled away. "Padfoot, I'm not sure this is a good idea, I…I think…" But his words trailed away as we gazed at each other. "What is it that you think love?" I asked nonchalantly, raising an eyebrow. "If I ask you something will you be serious and answer it?" I smiled and opened my mouth, but it was quickly covered my Remus's hand. "I swear to God if you make a "Of course I'll be Sirius, I'm always Sirius, or some other God awful joke I will hex you."

I pouted for a second and nodded and kissed his hand. Remus lowered it. "Of course my dear Remus, 'nary a man would be more serious in answering you!" I insisted in a regal tone. Remus hesitated and seemed to struggle with himself. "Sirius, I care about you more than I would like to admit. I don't doubt either that you care about me, it's apparent. I just…I guess I'm just afraid how this will change us if we start becoming more…intimate. I'm afraid something will happen like I'm so bad you'll laugh and tell be to bugg-"

It was my turn to cover his mouth. "Remmie, I don't want to bang you because I think it will be a mind blowing experience, which I know it will be." Remus seemed unsure but I continued before he cut me off, my voice sincere. "Remus, I don't want to have sex with you just to get my rocks off. I want to make love to you because I want us that make that joining that is made when two people in love are intimate. I love you Remus John Lupin. I love you more than I think you can even begin to fathom. I want us to know every single centimeter of each other, the way only lovers know each other."

Remus continued to stare at me for a few seconds after I stopped speaking. He lowered his head and I prepared myself for rejection. Instead, before I realized he had moved, Remus's hands had made their way to the buttons of my pants. Fumbling with them he finally managed to unbutton them and started to pull my pants off.

Within seconds we were kissing and trying to desperately remove the others clothes. My mouth moved of Remus's lips to his neck. Remus groaned in pleasure as I kissed and removed his boxers and took his hard member into my hand. After softly stroking it I felt Remus takes his legs and wrap them around me. "Please, Sirius, now." His voice was a whimper, he was pleading. He was where I was. I needed to be inside of him, I needed to make love to him. Everything that wasn't Remus was wiped out of my mind.

A few hours later our sweaty bodies lay intertwined with each other. I was lying on top of Remus, my head buried in the crook of his shoulder. We lay there for hours, not speaking, as words were not necessary. All the "I love you's" we could have said was radiating off of each of us and the either could feel it. Finally, Remus spoke. "So, Sirius, is it just me, or do you think Prongs will be pissed off that we fucked in his bed?"

I opened my eyes ready to answer him when the scene that greeted me was different. Remus, pale and still in the hospital wing. Leaning into his ear I whispered, "I still and will always love you Moony." Kissing his ear where I had just made my affirmation of love, I closed my eyes again and after a few minutes my exhaustion had caught up with me and sleep finally came.


	4. Chapter 4: The Musings of James Potter

AN: Dedicated in honor of HRH's the Duke and Duchess1 of Cambridge! Yes…I am an American but for some odd reason I have a love of the British monarchy :-S. Anywho, expect more updates at a quicker pace starting Wednesday tis my last exam! Enjoy! As always, READ AND BLOOD REVIEW, COME ON! It's what keeps me going! Thank you to all who have been to gracious as to leave comments!

Chapter 4: The Musings of James Potter

I just sat in my bed. Too shocked to move, speak, or really even think. This wasn't like Remus. Remus was strong, by far stronger than any person I've ever known. For him to take the easy way out…it wasn't the way of a Marauder. I take off my glasses and rub my eyes continually, trying to get the images out of my head. I thought the worse day I would ever encounter at school was when Pad…Black, had squealed to Snevellis. About an hour ago Professor McGonagall came here to inform us that Remus was going to make it. For a few seconds I got the feeling you get after eating some chocolate after leaving the presence of a dementor. But the shock set in not long after.

People often said that Sirius and I were like brother, and it was true. Even with his colossal fuck up a week ago, Sirius was my brother in every way but blood. My relationship had always been different with Remus though. He was more akin to the role of father of the marauders. He was by far the smartest of us, the wisest, and the most paternal. When any of us (and many other Gryffindor's for that matter) had a problem, they sought the gentle wisdom of Remus Lupin.

What makes me sick is that if people knew every detail, such of his furry little problem; they would be petrified of him and hate him. It simply wasn't fair. It sometimes still shocked me that people hadn't figured out exactly what he was up to and why he was gone the day after the moon. By January of our second year we had looked at lunar charts for the past year and every one of his absences had coincided with the full moon. He always came back looking pale and worn. Whenever we asked what was wrong he always insisted it was simply from the stress of dealing with sick family members who always seemed on the verge of death…every month…at the full moon.

I still the remember the night we confronted him. Sirius, Pete, and I had waited in the dorm room waiting for Remus to get back from the library. A little after seven he came bounding into the room, a thick book in hand and an expression of pure joy that he got whenever he encountered a particularly alluring book. His smile faltered whenever he saw the solemn looks on our faces. We were all sitting on his bed. I wasn't really nervous, just hurt, hurt he didn't tell us. Sirius had told me he felt the same and while Pete tried to also claim that he looked far more uncomfortable than Sirius or I.

"Umm, hello, chaps." Remus said in an attempt to start conversation. His eyes darted between the three of us on the bed. I caught Sirius looking at me out of the corner of my eye and he gave me a small nod. Clearing my throat I tried to act as casual as possible when one confronts ones friend about the possibility that every month on the full moon he turns into a hairy and ferocious killing machine. "So, Remus, how is your mom doing?" Remus looked even more confused and waited a few seconds before answering. "She's better. Thank you so much for asking." Remus made his way to his nightstand and laid his book in it and turned back to us. "I'll tell her you asked she will be very touched."

Sirius nodded and took up the conversation. "Good to hear. But she will be getting sick again next Saturday, won't she?" A spasm of fear crossed Remus's face and when he spoke his voice had a slight edge to it. "How should I know? Her illnesses flairs up whenever it does. I…I don't have its planner." He turned and started to leave. But before he had got to the door Sirius had raised his wand, muttered a spell and the door locks clicked. Remus turned around, a mix of anger and fear on his face. "What in the bloody hell is going on, Sirius?" Sirius stood up and took two menacing steps to Remus. "Well, the thing is Remus, it just seems odd that she gets sick once a month. James, Peter, and I realized in September that every time in first year your mother was sick the night of the full moon and the pattern continued this year. That's a rather predictable pattern."

A look of real distress came into existence in Remus's posture and look. He became fidgety. "It's just a coincidence." I stood now and came even with Sirius, Peter a step behind. "See, Remus. We don't think it is. We noticed that whenever you get back the next afternoon, you always look like you are the one fighting a bad illness, and not your mother." Remus's breathing became quicker. Beads of sweat became to form at his brow. "Well, it's very stress..." But before Remus could finish, Sirius cut across him. "Remus we are tired of playing this game. We know exactly what you are. The evidence is too much for anyone to deny, so stop lying to us." With a beat in between words, Sirius finally said the word that had become an elephant in the room. "Werewolf." When he said it, there wasn't disgust that Remus would later say he heard. To me the way Sirius had said it had been as if it had been something bottled up for eons and could no longer be contained.

What little color remaining in Remus's face evaporated. He had an expression of fear, dread, and resignation on his face. He closed his eyes and nodded. When he opened them his eyes had become very watery. He simply looked around the room for almost a full minute and nodded again. "I…yes. Yes, Sirius, I am." His eyes flicked back to us and his eyes made direct contact with Sirius, mine, and then Pete's. Without another word he pushed past the three of us and grabbed the trunk at the end of his bed and proceeded to throw it on the bed and open in. He started to put things from his nightstand into the drunk, his hands shaking like mad as he did. "What are you doing?" Peter had finally spoken. His words were barely audible in the almost silent room. "I'm getting out of here before you and the rest of the house, wait, who am I kidding? The rest of the school tries to mob me. Just…please, please, allow me to get out of here first before you tell anyone else." After he had spoken he looked back at us. The look of pain in his eyes was obvious. His lips were quivering as he was trying to hold back his tears.

"Why would we tell anyone, Remus?" Sirius asked his voice level and calmer than it had been. Remus let out a sound I had never heard from him before. It wasn't his usual laugh; it was deeper, darker, and mocking. "Oh please, Sirius. Do you really expect me to believe you are going to simply keep this to yourselves? I'm many things, Sirius, I'm a half-blood, I'm a nerd, I'm a werewolf, but I'm not a bloody idiot." "Yes, we do." I said simply. "Remus, we don't are you are a werewolf. We are your friends. We will always be your friends. What we are angry about is you didn't trust us. Friends are honest with each other."

Sirius walked forward and took the objects Remus was holding out of his hands and put them back on his night table. "Remus, you are staying here. James is right; none of us are saying a damn thing. We stick together no matter what." Remus looked at us as if he were expecting one of to break the silence with a "Gotcha!" when it didn't happen he slowly nodded. "Fine…but remember this from now on. If any of you take from my chocolate stash or one of my books, you are going to be my chew toy on the next full moon."

As the years went on, the Marauders were formed. The three of us became anamagi. And I watched Sirius fall more deeply in love with Remus. I wasn't the only one. Half of Gryffindor noticed the odd behavior of the two. While we all gave hugs, wrestled and such, the physical interaction between Sirius and Remus had always been different, it was more affectionate. Sirius would put his chin on Remus's shoulder as Remus read a book; they would share the same chair in the common room and lay their head on each other's shoulders and fall asleep like that. Whenever Remus had a nightmare, Sirius would get out of his own bed and sit by Remus until he fell back asleep. When Sirius had been hurt in a qudditch and spent the night in the infirmary, Remus had another nightmare. I tried to do what Sirius usually did, but Remus simply couldn't get back to sleep.

By the end of fourth year, Sirius, who had dated at a veracious rate suddenly stopped. Girls would hit on him and they would barely get a reaction out of Sirius. The day after we started our fifth year I had enough. On the pretense of talking about this year's quidditch team, Sirius and I went to an empty classroom. "I really think that Hamilton would be a great bea…" The look I gave Sirius made his comment drift into nothingness. "This isn't about quidditch, is it?"

I shook my head. "Sirius, we need to talk about something. Something that is going on between you and Remus, something that even a blind person can see." Sirius did not offer a protest as I figured he would. Instead his shoulders slumped and he started to bite one of his fingernails. "You like him don't you…as in more than a friend." He nodded and sighed. "Pretty disgusting isn't it mate. I fancy our own Remus Lupin." "It's not disgusting, Sirius. What's disgusting is watching you two and neither of you making the move.

Sirius chuckled quietly. "There is no move to be made, Jimmy. He's not a poof like me." I gave him a dubious look. "Come on Sirius, let's face it. Remus is into chaps as well. He's never so much as glanced at a girl in any way other than friendly, outside of us, all of his friends are girls, and let's face it, his dress sense is irrefutable." Sirius smiled but it was a sad smile. "Even if he was gay, and I'll even assume he does like me. It doesn't mean he wants a relationship. I'm broken goods. I'm a Black. I couldn't let Remus defile himself to be with something like me. He's too good for me."

"Bullocks" I said forcefully. "You two are bloody perfect for one another. Like Lily Evans and myself! It's written in the stars!" Sirius's crooked grin returned to his face. "Sorry to tell you chap, but even as pessimistic as I am I think I have a better shot with Rem than you do with Evans."

I glowered at him but continued. "How about this, if and when he comes out to us, you tell him. Because if I have to deal with you two giving each other those puppy dog looks and then running away from your feelings, I'll hex the both of you into treats for the giant squid."

Until a week ago they had been the perfect couple. Their love for each other was so pure and apparent. Even those girls who had been bitterly disappointed by the fact Sirius was a poof couldn't help but awe at the way they looked at each other or held hands as they walked around the lake, pausing every so often so exchange a small kiss.

A week ago I thought it was all over. A few hours ago I thought Remus was all over with…no…they both would have been over with. Even with the shit surrounding the Willow incident, their love for each other was still there, I could see it, but both had been so broken and betrayed I didn't think it was repairable. Both became zombies, going through the motions of everyday life but neither was truly present. My anger at Sirius had abated some but not enough to have things go back to normal between us.

Tonight, I had just managed to fall into a good sleep when I heard frantic screaming. "JAMES! JAMES! QUICK, REMUS, REMUS!" It was Sirius. I rolled over in my bed. I don't know why and what he was yelling his head off about but for now it wasn't my concern. "JAMES, PETER, QUICKLY!" There was something in the tone of his voice when he yelled the second time. Pulling back the curtains around my bed and running to the door I wasn't happy and I let him know it. "I swear to God, Black, I could care less…" but when I saw the scene of Remus on the floor and covered in blood and Sirius over him the words form my lips disappeared.

I was by his side in second. "What happened?" I asked frantically. "I don't know! I found him like this!" I started to examine Remus' body and quickly found the wound on his left wrist that was still issuing a small but steady trickle of blood. "Bollocks!" I exclaimed. It was deep, very deep. His skin was cold to the touch. My first thought was that I was touching a corpse. Grabbing Remus' wand next to me I whispered a spell at the wound and it sealed itself. Waving the wand again Remus rose into the air.

"We have to get him to the hospital wing. Run ahead of me and let Madam Pomfrey know we are coming." I ordered to Sirius.

"NO!" His tone was final; I knew there would be no debate. "You do it; I'm not leaving his side!" I wanted to argue but I nodded. This wasn't the time for it.

I ran as fast as I could, faster than I had ever run in my life. When I reached the infirmary I pulled out Remus's wand and sound like the blast of a cannon sounded. I heard a noise and Pomfrey came out of a door. "James Potter! What on earth…" I cut her off; out of breath as I was I managed to make myself clear.

"It's Remus, he tried to kill himself. Sirius is bringing him; I think…I think he's gone." Madam Pomfrey's hands shot up to her mouth and she dashed out to the corridor. I followed and saw Sirius, Remus in his arms. He laid Remus on the bed and he bent down and crushed his lips to Remus's.

The kiss only lasted a few second. Madam Pomfrey roughly shoved him out of the way and drew the curtains around her and Remus. Sirius stumbled back and fell to the ground, clenching his clothes that were stained with blood and moaned, "Remus, please live my love. Please live." He nearly shouted the last two words, sobbing as he did.

At that instant I realized that if Remus did die, it would be a death sentence for Sirius as well. There would be no way he would want to live or considering finding someone else. Truth be told, I couldn't imagine my life without Remus Lupin. He was as much as my family as Sirius was. Without either of them I wouldn't be complete.

Now, sitting on the bed, I breathed a small sigh of relief. Remus, and by extension, Sirius would both live. I just hoped and prayed this would wake both of them up and all the shit with Snape would be forgotten. They needed each other. They would only be happy if they had each other. And while hours ago I would have been against any reconciliation yet, I realized now, really for the first time, the depth of their love. I knew it had been deep and true and I found it beautiful. Tonight…tonight I had seen the dark side of love. It was beautiful yet terrible. I wonder if Lily and I ever got together and got married, how she would react if I had died or came close to death. I knew how I would react; I knew I would be in Sirius's shoes.

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	5. Chapter 5: Awakening

_AN: ! GUESS WHO JUST WRAPPED UP HIS SEMESTER? Indeed I have, I'm excited. I'm also proud to report I've been nominated for a history award for a paper I wrote about the Supreme Court under the leadership of Earl Warren. I know…exciting:-P. Thank you to everyone who has reviewed and added this story to your alerts. Muuuuuuch love! Keep up the reviews! Any who, JK owns all._

**Chapter 5: Awakening**

I spent a long time trying to decide if I was alive. On one hand I clearly was capable of thought. But that could mean I was alive or I was simply in whatever afterlife there was. I tried to open my eyes, but my lids were too heavy for them to actually lift. I managed to open enough to see some white curtains…the hospital wing..."Great" I thought to myself. I tried to move but my entire body felt the way my eyelids felt, unnaturally heavy. I willed myself to move but really nothing responded. A sharp pain throbbed on my left wrist which made me stop moving. Yep…I'm definitely alive. Great job, Remus, you can't even successfully stamp out your miserable pathetic self. What a bloody winner. I lay there, reprimanding myself for a while. I wasn't exactly sure how long.

It was only gradually I became aware of a warm and heavy presence on my right side. After a bit, I was able to muster enough strength and turn my head and open my eyes enough to make out what it was. Or should I say who it was actually. It was none other than Sirius. He was sleeping. His face was red and puffy as if he had been crying. I was mildly astounded. Closing my eyes I allowed the image in my mind sink in. He was here, he was with me and it was clear he had been crying. A voice in the back of my head bitterly commented "Crying because you survived, Lupin. Crying because he thought he would be finished with you." I mentally shook the head out of my thought.

No…that couldn't be it…maybe…maybe…but no, he couldn't love me. Hadn't him telling Snape about the Whomping Willow proven that Sirius didn't love me and I couldn't trust Sirius? Who would betray the person they supposedly loved like that? Yet here he was, curled up next to him with a puffy face. My brain ached from the strain of thinking. This probably wasn't the best time to figure out the complexities of life.

I let my mind go blank for a bit but after a while it started to drift to the past summer. It had been less than a week since the end of term. Since I had seen him last at King's Cross Station, I had waited impatiently for a letter from my boyfriend. Sirius had sworn on his Marauder honor to write daily and when possible, come for a visit. It was just after dawn when I heard an owl scratching at my window. Getting up I opened the window and I recognized Prongs' owl at once. What I had received was a messily scribbled note from James. I recognized this version of his writing. It meant he had been up all night and was exhausted.

_Moony,_

_Sirius ran away from home last night, at my place safe and sound. He told me why but I think Padfoot should tell you himself. He is currently asleep and, might I add, snoring quite loudly. How the bloody hell do you manage to get any sleep whenever you two are sharing a bed? Actually, wait, I don't want to know. I'm sure you are worried off your little lycan buttocks, but rest assured your mate is ok._

_Your fellow faithful Marauder,_

_Rt. Hon. James Edward 'Prongs' Potter, Marauder_

James was right. I did worry and worried all day until around supper time I received another owl.

_To: My sexy and remarkable boyfriend, Mr. R. J. Lupin, Holt, Norfolk, UK_

_From: The equally amazing and fuckable Mr. S. O. Black_

I frantically tore open the envelope and read the letter three times, letting each word sink into my soul, tracing each letter with my eye, knowing it was Sirius's hand who had written them.

_Dearest Moony,_

_I haven't told you this in about a week, which is FAR too blood long, but, I LOOOOOOOOOOOVE you! Please note the emphases I place on the word love. Did you notice? Surly you must have. If not please go back and notice how each letter is capitalized and the word has been underlined three times. I believe you realize that means a lot of emphases. As my private secretary, a Mr. Potter, has informed you, I have moved out of Grimmauld Place (Thanks be to Merlin). You deserve to know what happened. I had been penning a letter to you to let you know of my loving affection. However, nature called and I ran off to use the loo. I, stupidly, left my door ajar and my daft idiotic should have never been born dear brother popped into my room and saw the letter bearing my love to you._

_Because he is such a wanker he decided it was prudent to show my birthing units mother and father, neither of which were fond of the fact I get my rocks off to another chap. After calling you some rather nasty names and that I must end the relationship now, for I am destined to be with my dear cousin, Bellatrix. I told them to hell with that, I had found the man of my dreams and I wouldn't be touching that dirty pureblooded twat even if it meant a Chuddly Cannon's world cup win (By the way, at this point you are supposed to be damn proud I stood up for you)._

_This, not being the answer they hoped for, said I must choose between the House of Black and you. Can you believe they actually thought I'd consider choosing them? Nutty, right? I kindly (ok, yelled it) informed them they could suck my wand (Of course wand being a substitute for penis in this instance. I didn't know if you would get that, having such a sweet and innocent mind as you do. That said…you can suck my wand any day…I'm surprised my eyes unrolled from the back of my head since you did that right before we got into King's Cross)._

_So, long story short, the Potter's have graciously invited me to live with them. Sometime this summer you must come over the Marauders can begin to plan for a fantastical year of pranks and such. However, if possible, I would like to come see YOU for a couple days. You told me that you would be telling your parents about our excellent shagging relationship. I would like to personally thank Mr. and Mrs. Lupin for producing such a wonderful boy for me to use as my chew toy love._

_On a Sirius note (HA! PUN! You know you love that joke!) I am ok and happy to be away from them. I do miss you terribly, Moony, and I can't wait until I see you again. I love you so very much._

_XOXOXXOXO_

_Sirius_

I couldn't help but smile. I could sense Sirius was stressed, yet he always was able to make anyone laugh even when it was the least appropriate.

After getting the ok from my parents, Sirius would be arriving three days after I got his first letter. The day before he was to arrive I finally sucked up all the courage I had. As my parents, my brother, and I all sat down for breakfast I cleared my throat. "Umm..mum…dad…there is something I shroud probably tell you know before Sirius gets here."

Everyone looked at me expectantly. I opened my mouth but the words I was about to say and run away in fear. I didn't think my parents would hate me. I mean, after all, they accepted the whole turning-into-a-blood-thirsty-monster-once-a-month-thing and didn't have me put down.

"Well, Remus, get on with it!" My dad had said half smiling. I nodded and cleared my throat once more. "It's about Sirius…see…umm…we are…well…gay…well I mean, I'm gay…well…Sirius is too, and well see, we are…" the words stumbled out of my lips awkwardly and by the end I felt I had made the point I needed to. They could feel in the rest.

My mum and dad looked at each other, their expressions were identical. I held my breath, waiting for one of them to say something. Eventually my dad nodded. "Well…I told you Mary that it looked like Sirius kissed Rem on the cheek at King's Cross."

Mary put up her hands in mock act of placation. "Well, I thought maybe he was just whispering something…while embracing…for a long time." I looked at my mum and dad…their eyes were sparkling. "So I take it there are no objections?"

My mum reached and grabbed my right hand. "Honey, if he makes you happy, that is all that matters." I smiled and nodded. "I've never been happier in my life." My little brother coughed and spoke up. "So, does this mean Remus is my older sister?" Mum and dad both attempted to restrain their laughter but were unable. "Mother, may I be excused from the table? I need to hex Paschal."

I sighed. My parents had been so thrilled for me. The day he was to come, for some reason I was nervous…no…strike that, I was beyond nervous, I was on the verge of outright panic. They had of course met Sirius before…but this was different. This wasn't Sirius my friend, this was Sirius my soul mate…foolishly sentimental, yes, but at the time I thought we would be together for the rest of our lives. Rather it be long or short, we would go through life hand in hand.

When the gentle knock at the door sounded at half past noon, I had to take several calming breaths as I made my way down the stairs and to the front door. After another gentle 'tap, tap , tap' I opened the door.

Sirius was standing there, looking as beautiful as always, his crooked grin melting my heart. "Hi" was all I could manage as I stared into the depths of his eyes. He just smiled all the wider and leaned forward and put his lips to mine. My eyes closed as I moaned in desire. It had been too long since I had felt his glorious lips. We were not meant to be apart like this, we were meant to be with each other at all times, the separation we had experienced was against the very nature of our souls.

When I opened my eyes, I looked back into Sirius's eyes…except there was no crooked grin. They were puffy and red and his face pale. He was lying next to me in a bed in the infirmary. In a soft voice I could scarcely make out, he breathed a single word. "Remus".


	6. Chapter 6: Forgiveness?

AN: Dearest friends, please forgive me for the long delay since the last update. I've been buuuuuuuuuuuuusy! Ah, well. Here we go!

Chapter 6: Forgiveness?

His name escaped my lips without my volition. I couldn't help it, I had opened my eyes and instead of looking at what had been an almost lifeless corpse, I saw his enchanting eyes, open and alert, staring right at me. His eyes had always captivated me, they were a warm brown color, very inviting. As my friendship turned to a crush, and a crush into love, his eyes began to hold me like a trap. Once I looked into them I couldn't look away.

This time was no different. It was a thirst that could not be quenched, I wouldn't even allow myself to blink, I was afraid if I closed my eyes I would never see those inviting eyes I loved so much.

Remus also stared at me, tears forming in the corners of his eyes. Without thinking, I did what was instinctual, Remus was sad; I had to make him better. I propped myself up with one arm and looked down at Remus. My other hand cupped his right cheek and I leaned it and brushed my lips against his. He let out of small moan and closed his eyes. I pulled back and looked back at him. The tears that were brimming in his eyes rolled over and started to run down his cheek.

His lips parted and his voice was so low it was barely discernable. "Sirius…you kissed me?" It was a question. I could hear the shock in his tiny voice. I just nodded. "Observant bloke you are, Moony. I pity the person who tries to get something past you."

He closed his eyes and a stab of panic hit me. I didn't want him to close his eyes. I knew he would be fine but something in the back of my mind equated his closed eyes to him being dead. I did something I knew would jerk them open. I reached down to his left wrist, brought it to my lips and kissed it.

I was right, they jerked open and he tried to feebly pull his wrist out of my hand. I held tight to it. "Sirius, what are you doing?" But my eyes were focused on his wrist. A sudden surge of anger hit me. With Professor Dumbledore's spells and the work of Madam Pomfry, only a small pink line remained of what had been a deep wound. Remus had done this to himself. He had tried to rip himself away from me forever. Tears of anger obscured my vision as I looked down at him. "I'm forgiving you, Remus."

He looked confused. "Forgiving me for what? I didn't do anything to yo—"

I cut him off. "Yes, Remus, you did. Don't you get it you scrawny git? Don't you get what you would have done to me if you had died? It would be a double murder! You are all I have ever wanted and could ever hope to have. You are everything to me. Without you I have no reason to stick everything out. I realize I hurt you, but you refused to hear my remorse. You wouldn't hear me out. I tried to tell you what happened. I tried to defend you Remus! Snape kept calling you a coward, called you my bitch. I lost my temper and I snapped. I wanted to scare him, to show him you are the bravest person at this school…when I realized what I had done I went straight to James…and I tried to apologize, to make it right. Instead of giving me the benefit of the doubt or at the very least hearing me out, you did this…this…you took the coward's way out. You proved Snape was right!"

With the last words I lost my composure and started to cry in earnest. "But Remus, I am going to do something you refused to do for me. I'm going to forgive you. Because that's what you do for someone you love. If they are truly sorry, you forgive them."

Remus hesitated, looking at me, and then I saw his right arm slowly come up, his hand slid slowly from my cheek to the back of my head, his fingers running through my hair. As he did he applied a little pressure, urging me to come closer. I lowered my face so it came closer to his face. We were inches apart, his eyes staring into mine. Lifting his head slightly our lips met once more.

The kiss was fleeting, but the warmth that started from my lips filled the rest of my body. It acted as a stimulant, my entire body, which had been racked with fatigue suddenly, became more alive and alert then it had in weeks.

Remus laid his head back down on the pillow and seemed to hesitate. "Sirius, the reason I…I did this was because I thought I had lost you. I thought you had realized how idiotic you were in saying you cared and…you wanted a clean way out. You could remove me from the picture and take Snape out too…I figured you thought you could get rid of the two things you hated the most."

The words hurt. How could he ever think I could…well…I had given him plenty of reasons to make him think I hated him. I had betrayed him. Plain and simple, I had betrayed the man I loved more than anything else. I leaned close to Remus. "Remus John Lupin, I am so very sorry to what I have done to you. I betrayed you. I don't deserve your forgiveness. But please, Remus, know that I never would intentionally hurt you."

Remus's lips turned into a small smile. "Of course you obnoxious mongrel. Just promise never to hurt me like this again. Also promise me to tell me every day how you feel about me." I couldn't help but smile. "I love you." Three simple words, I thought, simple, yet more powerful than any incantation I would ever learn.

Remus smile widened and nodded. "Good, as I'm somewhat fond of you as well. But I'm also fond of sleep." And within a few minutes he had fallen into a deep sleep.

I lay back down. A few hours ago I thought Remus was dead. Now…he had forgiven me. He had forgiven me…the words kept running through my mind. Relief shot through my body. I turned to him and wrapped my arms around him. I lightly kissed his temple and rest my head on his chest. I had my reason to live again.


	7. Chapter 7: Reunion

AN: Wrote this while sitting on the Amtrak on the way to Chicago. As usual it was running late so I decided to do some riding. This may be the last chapter…YOU DECIDE! THAT;S RIGHT YOU…THE PERSON READING THIS RIGHT NOW! Leave a comment with your decision! Thanks for everyone who has R/R, I send you love vibes!

It had been a week since I had left Hogwarts and the events were still running through my mind. I should have been devastated to lose his job at Hogwarts, it had been the best job I had ever had. I knew when he was little that teaching was where my heart was, especially the Defense Against the Dark Arts. Yet, I really and truly was not. Only two things mattered to me. First, Harry was safe and sound. Second, Sirius Orion Black was innocent.

For twelve years I had thought that my soul mate was responsible for the death of my family, of James and Lily who were like my brother and sister. I had thought that it was he who had turned over his own godson to Voldemort and then slaughtered for Peter. When I looked at the map and saw the dot labeled Peter Pettigrew, I had thought I had gone mad. I had seen the finger…all I thought that had been left of my deceased friend.

But within an hour I had come face to face not only with one dead friend. When Dumbledore had told me of Sirius's crime, I thought him dead. The Sirius Black I knew and loved would have died to protect his friends, would have died without hesitation to protect the Godson he seemed to have cherished so much. He was dead, ashes to ashes, dust to dust. He had been replaced by an evil and twisted demon. It took me a full five years to actually accept what had happened. That Sirius Black had betrayed and was responsible for the death of James and lily.

But that night in the shrinking shack when I first caught a glimpse of him, I looked into his hollow and dead eyes that I had seen last on October 30, 1981. Yet…through and war and apparently even through twelve years of the perdition that is Azkaban, a small spark of his old self had remained.

When I hugged him it took all the composure I had ever had in my life to stop myself from breaking down and begging his forgiveness that I had been so stupid and blind to accept that he could ever have done the crimes he had been imprisoned for. But I thought I would have time for that, years and years in which I could gain pardon.

But, as is the story of my life, my furry little problem and ended any hope of, at least for the present, Sirius being a freeman. In the past twelve years I had believed him a traitor, mass murder, and spoiled his chance for freedom. He could never forgive me.

In the past week I had more or less just stayed in bed. Sirius should be beside me now. I sighed, no, no he shouldn't. That part of our lives was over and done with. Even if he had forgiven me believing him the traitor, who is to stay he still gave a shit about me. Since the day we beca,me a couple I could never really fathom why it was me he had chosen. Even after the Willow incident and the...resulting complication, which to me proved my danger, he never told me to leave. True, I thought it likely that during his trips for the Order he would share a bed with some stranger, I let myself adopt the attitude, out of sight, out of mind. He still came home to me and told me he loved me.

After a space of time when I had let all possible thought go, I heard what sounded like a scratch at the front door. Thinking nothing of it I ignored it. But after a good ten minutes I realized I wasn't imagining it. Getting up and making my way to the front door, I hesitated, and opened.

A massive black dog was what greeted my sight. My mouth had very suddenly and swiftly gone dry. The dog looked filthy and tired. He whimpered slightly. Still in a state of semi-shock I moved out of the way and the dog came in.

By the time I had closed the door and turned around there was a full grown but withered in dirty robes, sitting on my floor. His dark eye were sunken into his skull. He didn't look quite as bad as he had a week ago. No doubt Dumbledore had ensured that there was more food coming his way.

"Remus, I thought you said you would always accept a stray dog. I thought I was going to have to keep scratching until my nails were gone." A shadow of a smile appeared on Sirius's face and it made him look years younger.

I wanted to tell him I'm sorry. I wanted to beg for his forgiveness. But instead all that came to my lips was, "You need a bath." Sirius's bark like laughter filled the small kitchen and it reverberated.

"Still the little neat freak. You haven't changed much Moony." I tried to smile but it was hard. "Well, you remember I'm sure where the bathroom is. I still…" I trailed off. I was afraid if I told him what I was about to me may feel uncomfortable. He was acting as if I were simply a friend…not a lover. "I,umm, still have some of your old clothes. I'm sure they will be a bit big, but I can do a charm and shrink them."

Sirius gave me a small smile of thanks and made his way to the bathroom. I went to our…my closet and pulled out a small trunk and pulled out a set of robes. Making my way back to the bathroom and knocked. "Are you decent, Sirius?"

"Never have been, Remus! Surly you know that by now!" Came the response from behind the door. Opening it I walked in to see Sirius completely naked.

His skin was deathly pale and waxy and was stretched thin over his frame, I could effortlessly count every single rib. I couldn't help but stare. Even now I found his body beautiful. "Er, um…here are…umm, your…" my words trailed away into feeble mumbling. I tried with all my might to look away but it was as if my eyes had a permanent sticking charm placed on them. "Sorry" I was finally able to murmur and extracted myself from the room.

My heart beat like wild in my chest. I felt like I had just run a marathon. Srius…naked…and I could feel something stir in me. I wanted to jump him right there. It wasn't just the physical reaction that frightened me. Twelve years of constrained love for a soul mate who had been ripped out of my life had also reared its ugly head.


	8. Chapter 8: A Room Away

AN: Hey! Sorry for the long delay. Been buuuusy! I admit the quality of this chapter is sub-par. Please forgive me. I swear the next chapter will be MUCH better! Peace, Love, review! Oh and obviously I own none of these.

Chapter 8: A Room Away

Needless to say he hadn't reacted the way I had hoped. He clearly stunned. His adorable face turned the deepest crimson red I had ever seen and he spluttered for a good minute for mumbling something about getting dinner ready.

The grin I had been wearing fell through the floor along with my heart. Now I sat here in his cramped bathroom sitting on the floor in the robes he had given me…my robes from before I went into Azkaban.

The last time we had seen each other was the night at the Shack. He had hugged me…and not in the way James and I hugged, it was deeper, more passionate the way we used to hug…or maybe he wasn't thinking. It had been twelve years after all and he surly must have moved on. I didn't expect he would embrace a live of celibacy and wait patiently for my return. I close my eyes and try with all my might to convince myself of this.

As I close my eyes I couldn't help but think of a time long ago when I had last felt this awkward and unsure… It had been the day after Remus had been first come to the new flat in London that I got using the money my Uncle Alfred had left me.

"Ok, Black. Stop acting like an idiot. It's just Remus…just Remus…the man you absofuckinglutly adore who is coming to stay the next two weeks here….alone…with you…and you are talking to yourself…GAH!" I opened my eyes and looked around my small but comfortable apartment.

What made it all the more awkward was this would be the first time Remus and I was going to be really alone since his…accident a few months previous. While we had our alone moments, we were still at school surrounded by hundreds of students and of course James, Pete, and toward the end of the year, Lily…which I still didn't get. Ever since she found out what happened to Rem, she had almost refused to let him out of her sight.

In some ways our relationship was just like before the Willow incident. We still kissed, made love, joked together, and all that other stuff…but there was a new element. Remus at times still seemed distant and scared. There would be times I would be blabbing on Quidditch or the latest gossip and I would see his eyes dim and his gaze drift down. It only last for a few seconds before he seemed to catch himself and his eyes would brighten once more and his shy grin would return to his face. Was he thinking of trying to do something again?

When we would take our clothes off before making love, he seemed to hesitate and more than once I saw him biting his lip as if it were some painful experience. I wonder…did he not believe my contrition? I lifted my fingers to my mouth to chew on my fingernails only to discover there was nothing left to gnaw on. "Well, fuck." I mumbled.

I continue to let me thoughts wonder for a few minutes until a quiet and gentle tap on the door stirred me from my thoughts. I took three quick calming breaths and made my way to the door. My hand was shaking as I reached out and opened the door.

I could feel the smile form on my face as I took him in. It took me a few seconds to realize I had stopped breathing and decided it would probably be wise to restart that particular bodily function as it would probably prematurely cut our visit short. He stood there, the shy smile that I so loved on his face and carrying a rucksack. He was wearing a light blue shirt that clung tight to his chest.

My eyes than focuses in on his lips, they were so inviting but I'm not going to kiss him. But he moved forward captured my own lips to his. I wanted to attack his body with my lips right there, but for the sake of my neighbors who I figured would not appreciate this I broke the kiss off much quicker than I would have wished. Remus's mouth turned into a small frown eyebrows slightly.

"Umm ok…so…" His cheeks were turned red and he seemed unsure of himself. Making an obvious stab at trying to get over the awkwardness that now settled on us he shrugged "So, Padfoot. How are you?" "Oh, I guess so-so, Moony. Anyway, go ahead and come in." He had the look on his face that he was regretting coming here.

I watch him as his eyes roam around the flat. He nodded his head slightly and looked back at me with an approving look. "You know, I must admit Pad that it's a lot cleaner than I expected. I mean, you've been here a week and it appears you've been cleaning and you haven't destroyed anything. Good job!" I showed him the bedroom quickly and we ended up standing just inside of the bathroom door. I felt myself starting to chew on my lower lip again.

Remus cocked his head slightly to the right and raised his eyebrows again. "Is something wrong, Sirius? You seem…distracted…more so than usual." I sighed and nodded. "Mooney, please sit down. I think we need to talk about our relationship." He nods and looks a bit apprehensive…but there is not the fear that I had expected. "I'll just come out and say it. Rem, I want you to move in. Just think, being together all summer, just the two of us. We won't have to deal with owls and letter writing, at the most we will just be a room away from each other"

There was no reaction at first. Several seconds went by before a sigh escaped from his lips. "Sirius, you know I would love that. Nothing would make me happier. But you know as well as I do that can't happen." His eyes lock onto mine and I can see the dejected frustration in his face. "Actually, you can. I know what you are worried about. I've already contacted your parents and they will of course let you return back to them during your time of month." I finished with a grin as Remus put his face into the palms of his hands for a few seconds before bringing his face back level with mine.

A small smile was starting to form on his mouth. "Well…if you think you really want me." He leaned forward and my lips but before I could react, his body was suddenly on top of mine and I was flat against the bathroom floor. His liquid brown eyes staring into my grey ones. "But, I swear you dirty mutt if you call it my time of month again, I'm using you as a chew toy next full moon."

Opening my eyes, the bathroom of the small flat was gone. Instead, I was inside another small bathroom, but one that didn't belong to me. I let my head drop into my palms as I suppress the tears that want to come.

This wasn't fair. Twelve years in Azkaban…I spent twelve years yearning for his touch and to just hear his voice. I escape, prove I am innocent, he holds me again. The power that the hug gave me felt like I had downed a cauldron of Felix Felices. Even if that dirty had had gotten away, everything would still be ok I thought.

Not only did it seem Remus still love me, something even more important happened. Harry discovered I was innocent. Even now I still have dreams of a new house, some place in London preferably, Remus, Harry, and I…a family. When Remus moved in with me…the joy I felt was overwhelming. The knowledge that he was just a room away put a smile on my nice. Now it made me feel awkward and unsure. I almost wish I hadn't come here. It would be better living off rats in some distant land then to be near Remus who doesn't love me as I do him. Now…for the first time…even considering Azkaban…I felt a universe away from Remus Lupin.

I hear a small cough from the door and I look up. Remus was standing there seeming to be hesitant as if unsure if he could be talking to me. "Sirius, dinner is ready if you want to eat." The urge to flat out ask Remus is swelling in my chest but I let it catch in my throat. I bite my lip and nod.


	9. Chapter 9: I Want You

**AN: Thank you to all who reviewed! It is much appreciated! :-D Please if you read this, just take a few seconds to tell me what you think. So…I am taking Graduate Record Examinations this Monday…send me good vibes! Hope you enjoy! As usual all belongs to the wonderful JK Rowling. **

**Chapter 9: I Want You**

I couldn't lie to myself even I had wanted to. Sirius still looked sexy, even if he was skinny as a twig. It was all I could do to have my fork make it to my mouth and actually accomplish the task of entering my mouth. With that thought my mind wonders to something else entering my mouth and…NO, STOP THIS LUPIN! Do NOT let your mind go there! That was out of bounds. That was more out of bounds than that prank that involved McGonagall's bra and Snape.

Who am I kidding? I want him. Not even necessarily in the sexual way…just to hold and be held by him again would make the twelve years melt away in an instant. I'd be able to breath his intoxicating scent again and feel his arms wrap around my waist…NO! Stop this! I mentally slapped myself around…yet should I? I mean…he stood there naked wearing only his crooked smile. Any idiot could see that was a sign of something romantic. But did he still actually love me?

We ate in silence. I had made Shepard's pie for dinner, Sirius's favorite dinner. He ate hungrily and his plate cleaned faster than if I had used a spell to vanish it. I ate much slower, pondering and ruminating what all this could mean. I closed my eyes momentarily and when I opened them I saw James Potter sitting before me. He was eating like a pig…as usual. One eye on his food and the other on Lily Evans.

It had been just two hours since I had been discharged from the hospital wing after my attempt to shuffle off my own immortal coil. Looking to my left I see the empty spot where Sirius should be sitting, but given the detention's he had to serve, he would be on his way any second. I feel…awkward… this would be the first time since it happened that I hadn't been in the hospital wing. We had made up and pledged out eternal love for each other. But things had still changed. We couldn't just forget him telling Snape my secret nor could we forget what I had done to myself. That would be ignoring the dragon in the room just something not easily ignored. I picked at the food without paying much attention to it.

Within a few minutes though I heard the pitter patter of someone's feet, they sounded to be in a hurry. When I looked up I could see Sirius hastily moving through the Great Hall. There was a bounce in his step and a smile on his face as he made his way closer to me. He slid into the seat beside me. His eyes roamed around my features and his smile grew bigger. He leaned close to me, throwing his arm over my shoulders and pulled me close to him. His lips met my cheek than moved over to my ear he whispered "Hello, gorgeous". Another kiss, this time on my neck and try as I might, I shuddered in pleasure. "Hello, Padfoot. It's been all of three hours since I've seen you. Not exactly an eternity. Also, you may want to cool the pda…McGonagall is giving us that look." He turned and looked to the head table and sure enough, McGonagall was sitting there staring right at us with one eye brow pushed up and her mouth had a small frown on it.

Sirius shrugged, he had a careless air about him. His eyes locked once more onto my eyes. They were like a pair of tractor bream that was pulling me into them. I could feel my heart beating madly in my chest, as if I were going through one of my transformations. Without my volition my breath was coming in shorter and faster bursts. I could feel my lips coming closer to his and I closed my eyes and went in to kiss his. But he moved his heard ever so slightly to the side and my lips brushed his cheek instead, his mouth once more by my ear. "Follow me Rem?" It wasn't a demand but an invitation.

My heart seemed to have made its way to my throat. I swallowed in an attempt to put it right but the feeling did not leave.

Sirius stood up and I did too. His hand clasped mine and together, without looking anywhere but the door, we walk out, a wave of whispers following us. We were used to that since we had come out at the beginning of the year. The girls especially had been scandalized that Sirius's taste was a bit more…meaty. I was quite staggered myself though when I found out that apparently there had been a group of young ladies who had a thing for me. I couldn't fathom what they would see in me to make me interesting to them in that way…I always figured it was rather obvious I was a flaming knob jockey.

I would not ask where we were going. I just followed as Sirius, his fingers still intertwined with mine. After a bit of time I realized where we were heading…the astronomy tower. Not really a surprise I thought. How many times had I told him I thought this was the most romantic spot in the school? Granted my feelings of affection for this place had increased since Sirius had kissed me here for the first time.

My thoughts are interrupted as Sirius wraps his arm around my waist. His lips captured mine with a hunger and passion I never could believe was possible. I can do nothing more than throw my entire being into the kiss. My hands slide up Sirius's back and into his hair. His free hand cups my cheek. All too soon we break apart, both of us gasping for air. Sirius looks at me for a few moments before his crooked grin appears on his face. I melt, I can't repel it even if would try to.

My head finds his shoulder and we stand here holding each other. "Remus John Lupin, I am a twit. I betrayed you, my Moony, you are everything to me. You may forgive me but I'll never be able to forgive myself. Even with my fuck up, you are giving me another chance. I just want to prove to you I'll never hurt you again, I swear. I'll never leave you and I'll never stop loving you Remus." All I can do is smile and realize how lucky I am. I lose track of time. We could have been here for seconds or hours. I'm not sure and frankly, I could care less. Finally, I take a step back. "You know I would love to stay up here with you forever. But you really should eating something." A new grin, this time very mischievous in nature appears on his face. "What? You mean I can't have you?" With that our lips meet again.

"Remus….Remus…Remus, why are you smiling." My head jerks up and I look around. I'm in a small kitchen sitting at a table and watching me is an older Sirius…older but just as stunning as the Sirius in my head. "Remus, are you ok? You haven't been eating, you really should, and you look a bit pale. I can always make something!" He is just inches away from me, his head cocked to the side and an expression of mixed amusement and bewilderment on his face. His cooking skills I easily remember…they were a joke. I can't restrain myself, and I am not sure I want to if I am honest with myself. "_I must be out of my bloody mind_," I think. "I want you." I quickly close the gap separating us and after twelve years, our lips meet again.


	10. Chapter 10: Love is patient love is kind

AN: Sorry for the long delay! My apologies! But I promise, more to come! As always, property of JK!

Chapter 10: Love is patient, love is kind

I hear his words but they do not make sense. What makes even less sense was very suddenly I found a pair of warm lips pressed against my shocked one. What is going on? I ask silently to myself. It takes a few seconds to sink in. It had been twelve long years since I had kissed anyone. My heart starts to race and seems to move up my throat. Remus is kissing me….Remus…is…kissing me. All this happens in just a couple seconds before the full meaning of those words make me realize…Remus…my darling Remus…whom I had started to think was lost to me was…BLOODY KISSING ME! My arms fly up from my side and my right slides through his brown hair while my left grabs at his robe to bring his body closer to mine. After an immeasurable time later we both broke apart. Both of us gasping…so enveloped in the kiss we had forgotten to breathe.

We simply stare at each other. I can see the red tinge that has overtaken his cheeks. But he does not look down nor does he show any other sign of embarrassment. The seconds tick by. Finally I break the silence. "You know, you can do that again if you want. I promise I won't scream rape." I flash my crooked grin…something that in times past would have meant two things. The first is that Remus would totally melt into a puddle at my feet. No matter how mad he was he couldn't resist. The other meant that I would probably get laid if I wanted to. Being the honest chap I am, I was be pleased if I accomplished either one or both. I want to rip his clothes off and ravish him here. I needed to feel his body, I need to feel the heat of it, I need to be in him, and frankly, after twelve years in a place like Azkaban…I need to get my rocks off. That doesn't make me bad does it? I mean if it were anyone but my darling Remus it wouldn't enter my mind to do anything. The tales of my sexual adventures had always been greatly exaggerated. Remus had been my first and only.

Remus stands up and holds out his hand. Without a though I do what I had done since I had met Remus John Lupin, without fear, without thought, and without question, I took it. His hands are a little rougher than I recall. The last time he had done this was just a short time ago in the Shrieking Shack…but other things had been on my mind. I didn't have time to savor the touch of his skin.

We walked through the small cottage in silence. There was no need for them. Twelve years of separation…twelve years in the worst hell any person could ever conceive did not nor could it rob me of my understanding of Remus. We knew every single nook and cranny of each other's bodies and minds. Back in the day we could communicate by looks…and by smiling just the right way or a gentle squeeze of each other's hands. Language has limitations. Love does not.

We enter into the small bedroom. I recognize the bed instantly…at least the frame of it…it was the one we shared. Remus drops my hand but turns around and looks at me. His bottom lip is trembling ever so slightly. He opens his mouth to say something but nothing comes out. But he doesn't have to say anything. I know exactly what he wants to ask. "Moony, of course I still love you, you silly wolf."

He nods and the smile he gives me melts a good ten years off of his premature aged face. My hands come up to his shirt. I fumble a bit at the buttons about finally I unbutton one button…two…three, until his shirt is hanging open. He is still very fit…but the scars that embellish his pale skin are much more numerous. Once upon a time, I knew exactly where every scar was and how long it was…and many of them I could say what day they happened. "Hmmm," I think to myself. "Guess I'll just have to get reacquainted with his body." I place a tender kiss on one of the new (to me anyway) scars, just above his right nipple. I hear Remus's slow but sharp intake of breath. The clothes seem to just melt off the both of us and now we stand naked in front of each other. My arm slips gently around his waist and together we lower ourselves into the bed. I learn forward and kiss him passionately, my eyes closing, everything I am focusing on his lips against mine.

When I open them I look at Remus. His body is covered in sweat. His eyes are closed and a tired smile is on his face. After a few seconds he finally mumbles, "It's a good thing we are so good at casting silencing spells. Otherwise I think my parents in Norfolk would have heard us." My bark like laugh escapes me. "Oh, are you saying you don't want them to hear their sons passionate moaning as his rather striking boyfriend buggars him? I know Prongs and Wormtail do." I cast a glance in the direction of my two friends who are probably asleep by now. A few nights ago, in the haste to err…release ourselves…we had forgotten the silencing charm in. Needless to say the next morning we faced a very irate and obviously psychologically damaged Jimmy and Pete. Their eyes were bulging and red from lack of sleep. I chuckle softly at the thought. Remus's eyes open and he gives me a questions look but does not ask why I chuckled. Instead he snuggles closer to me. His warm body intoxicates me. It had been three months ago today since his…accident.

I try to push the thought from my mind but I can't. In flashes I see it all over again. His body bloody and lifeless, kneeling beside him and holding his body…carrying it…I bite my lip and try to stop the tears but they come anyway. I quickly try to wipe them away before Remus can see but once again…a fail. Remus sits up and holds me. "Sirius, what's wrong?" I close my eyes and attempt to compose myself. Remus starts to rock me. I give myself over to him and almost go limp in his arms. When I think of it…I have given myself over to Remus years ago. Body and Soul I was his for all eternity. "Sirius…please, what's wrong?" I don't want to tell him. I don't want to bring it up. Yet when I look into his eyes I feel a swoop sensation in my stomach. His eyes have a soft sparkle to them, they are so very alluring and they pull me in. The trust and love in his eyes would be obvious to even a blind person.

It hurt me even more. I had betrayed that love and trust just a short time ago. How the fuck could he feel like this so soon after? "I just…was thinking things I shouldn't. I was thinking of…what happened. How can you fucking be in the same bed as me? I'm a horrible person." Before I could go on Remus had put a put a finger to my mouth to silence me. "It's simple, Sirius. I love you. And love is patient, love is kind, it keeps no record of wrong. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preservers." I lay my head on his shoulder and he keeps rocking me. After a long time I feel him lay me down and we cuddle. I pull him close and we kiss.

Opening my eyes from the kiss I see my Remus. His warm, loving, and inviting eyes alive with their sparkle, his brown hair flaked with gray. He cocks his head to the side and an eyebrow shoots up. "What is it? Am I that rusty?" My bark like laugh escapes me. "Nah, more like I was thinking things I shouldn't be." A small smile appears on Remus's lips. "Sirius!" he said in mock seriousness, "I told you MANY times you shouldn't think about Minerva dancing naked in the Great Hall!" My face contorts in horror at the image now in my head. "Really? You sick fuck. I don't want to know what you wack off too. No, I was wondering how it is you still trust me after all the shit I've done through the years. With Snape...not trusting you before…." I hesitated in saying their names…"Before James and Lily died." He looks at me for a few seconds. "Remember the time you asked me that after I tried to kill myself?" I nod. "I was actually just thinking about that." Remus shrugs. "That's your answer." It was that simple to him.

I pull him close and just sit there in the silence, hearing each other breath, feeling the thump of each other's heart against our chest. After a while Remus starts to laugh uncontrollably. "What the hell?" I ask, incredulous. He looks at me with a crazy grin that I haven't seen him do in years. "Remember just a few days before I told you that, we had forgotten the silencing charm in before we made love and the next morning Prongs and…" He trailed off…I knew who he was going to say, after a beat he went on, "Prongs looked like he was going to need a mental calming charm!"


	11. Chapter 11: Why didn't you trust me?

AN: All this belongs to JK. When you review, please provide real stuff, don't PM me calling me a racist and plagiarizer. If you do, all PM will be published with my next update to show the difference between constructive criticism, and being a prick. Or I will just disable reviewing. Either way :-)

Chapter 11: Why didn't you trust me?

I sit on a fallen tree not far from the small house where I live. The sounds of the animals waking up through the woods reach my sensitive hearing. It is such a beautiful sound. The sounds of life, gearing up for a new day. I can sit here, a cup of tea in my hands as I stare off, oblivious to the beauty around me. I wasn't totally sure if what I had done was a good idea. I had been completely and utterly truthful in what I had told him. I still love him. Of course I do and always will. For so long after he was imprisoned, I hated what I thought he had done. Yet, even when I tried with every fiber of my being, I could not hate him the person. The mad man who had killed his best friends and dozens of muggles was not the man I knew.

Even if we had drifted apart a bit before all that, he was still the same fun loving and caring man I had fallen in love with. In turn, I hated myself for that. How the bloody hell could I love the man who killed James and Lily? The man who tried to kill his own Godson? I reviled my existence. I always questioned myself, how had I missed the clues that obviously had to have been there? For twelve years in my relative isolation I had pondered these questions and could never answer them. But then after groping in the dark I finally found truth. That night floods back into my mind.

After dinner I had made my way back to my office. I had known James so well. We had been as close as brothers. I knew if James were in Harry's shoes, he would go down to Hagrid's hut. I mean, it was James's idea to be with a friend has he transformed into a werewolf, going to provide comfort while the Ministry did something stupid would have been a walk in the park. I was so happy to have the Marauder's map back. When I had confiscated it from Harry I was shocked when I realized what it was. How he got it I wasn't sure, but he definitely did not need it with Siru…Black on the loose.

I mentally kick myself for again calling him by his name. He is not the man I fell in love with. Sirius was dead and all that remained was an evil and twisted soul that inhabited Sirius's body. His name was Black, as Black as his mind and soul. He was on the hunt for Harry. I have no doubt if it came to it, I could easily kill Black to protect Harry. I had not been there to stop Black when James and Lily met their death, but I would be dead before Black had another chance.

I had gotton this job even before Black had escaped. Once the news got out I figured the job would be withdrawn. After all, everyone at Hogwarts had known we were a couple. Albus knew better than most what we had been through. Yet, when I offerd to withdraw from the position, Albus had refused. "Remus, you know Sirius Black better than any breathing person. You know how he thinks. That will be very important in protecting Harry." I had come so close then and there to telling Albus about Sirius being an anamagi. Yet, he had just once again placed his trust in me. How could I tell him that I had betrayed him all those years ago?

I can't help but sigh. I am so very tired. To make matters worse, this was the night of the full moon. The Wolfsbane potion, although a God sends, sapped me of what energy I had. I open the door to my office and walk in. With a wave of my wand the candles alight and bath the office in light. With another wave I think, "Accio, map." The map comes out of a cupboard in the office and into my hand. I sit at my desk and drain some cold tea that had been sitting at my desk. I lay the map out in front of me and whisper the words that Black himself had come up with, "I solemnly swear I am up to no good!"

The map springs to life. How many times had I seen this before? So many times as we worked to create it, plan jokes…but that was gone forever. Two had been mercilessly killed, one the culprit, and then there was one…me, left to shoulder all that had happened. In some sense it had made me stronger. No longer could I rely on James's financial help or on the emotional support of Sirius. I had to find my own path.

I pull myself from these thoughts and look at the map and scan the dots, Minerva and Albus were in the Headmaster's office, Snape was in his office, no doubt finishing my potion, the Fat Friar and the Gray Lady were flying from the Great Hall to a chamber beside it, and…ah, there they were. Already at Hagrid's cabin and after a few seconds they start to leave, four little dots…wait..four? I move closer to the map. Harry Potter, Hermonie Granger, Ronald Weasly, and…no, I rub my eyes. Something that I can't believe, something that is completely impossible. A dot labeled Peter Pettigrew was accompanying the other three. I keep looking at the name…Peter Pettigrew…Peter Pettigrew, each time I blink the name stays the same. In my mind I see a flash of images, Peter in school, Peter transforming into a rat, Peter the last time I saw him, and although I wasn't there, Peter grabbing for his wand before he is reduced to a smithereens by Black.

I can feel my heart beat swiftly, its thump, thump, thump…I feel like I had just run a marathon, my can't catch my breath, for coming quickly at the four dots was another dot…Sirius Black. That is what cause me to move, Sirius Black is moving with a Ron, it looks like Sirius must be carrying Ron…to the Shrieking Shack and Harry is following. I run through the castle, using every ounce of energy I possess. I hit the door that lead out of the castle and they fly open. The air hits and I take a deep breath and start to run.

Getting to the Willow I look around, where is that bloody knot at? I scan and there it is. Waving my wand the tree, which had started to move, freezes. I crawl through the tunnel…which seems a lot smaller than I remember…which causes me to hit the side. I hear a voice, "In here! We're in here! Quick! Sirius Black!"

I surge into the room. Harry, Ron, and Hermione, all three have wands pointed at Sirius. With a quick spell, the wand come flying to me and I catch them. I look around before I turn on Sirius. Then I speak, my voice sounds weird to me, I can hear the suppressed emotion in it. I'm holding back tears that I have refused to shed for many years. "Where is he, Sirius?" Black points at Ron. I see a rat in his hands…I know that rat…I know that rat well" But then..." so much is going through my mind, I look at Black into his cold black eyes…but in the depths I see a spark…I see Sirius, I see what happened twelve years ago, "why hasn't he shown himself before now? Unless " My eyes suddenly widen..everything makes sense…for the first time in twelve years, everything falls into place. "Unless _he_ was the one... unless you switched... without telling me" Sirius nods. I reach down and pull him into me. I hold him tight, so very tight, Sirius Black…MY Sirius Black was innocent, and he was mine again.

"Remus?" My head snaps to the left. Coming at me was the man I had been thinking about. In clean but loose fitting clothes. He stops a few inches from me, leans in and plants a small kiss on my left cheek. "Thought I'd find out here, you were always one to get up early." I laugh and shoot him a look. "It also helps when you can easily see me from the bedroom window." Sirius opens his mouth to respond but closes it. Trying again he shrugs, "Ok, be a mood killer. I figured that sounded more romantic than saying, 'Oh, I was spying on you.' But there you go…mood killer." I can't help but laugh. Reaching out my hand, I take hold of a belt loop and pull him closer. "Sirius, I want to ask you about something." "Oh? Well, Rem, I was always just that good of a lover, I though you would…" I cut him off with a serious look. "No, Padfoot, I want to ask why you didn't trust me, why did you think I was working for Voldemort?"

I look into his eyes, and all I see is agony and remorse.


	12. Chapter 12: Are You Mad?

AN: Thank you for the reviews! Sorry for the long delay, but hey, it is a long new chapter! As always, read and review (so long as the review isn't mindless ranting) and all people are owned by JK.

**Chapter 12: Are you mad?**

I can't help but just stand and admire him. He is so contemplative and peaceful. Except for that horrible night when I had found him in the bathroom, he took everything with little outward reaction. I seem him just stare off in the distance, taking an occasional sip of his drink. I missed this so much. So many mornings I would wake up and I would see Remus in this quite state. I want to keep watching but my urge to be near him starts to become overwhelming.

I slowly make my way to him. The noise I made did not stir him so I call out, "Remus?" His head snaps to the left. I stop a few inches from him, lean in and plant a small kiss on his cheek. "Thought I'd find out here, you were always one to get up early." He laughs and the age melts off of him. His laugh is like hearing a choir of angels. He shoots me a look. "It also helps when you can easily see me from the bedroom window." I try to come up with a witty response but nothing comes. I open my mouth and shut it and shrug., "Ok, be a mood killer. I figured that sounded more romantic than saying, 'Oh, I was spying on you.' But there you go…mood killer."

He laughs again, and I close my eyes briefly to take it in the better. My eyes jerk open as I feel a tug at my belt loop that pulls me closer. "Sirius, I want to ask you about something." I smile and in a low, sexually laden voice I say, "Oh? Well, Rem, I was always just that good of a lover, I thought you would remem…" But he cuts me off with a serious look. "No, Padfoot, I want to ask why you didn't trust me, why did you think I was working for Voldemort?"

My mouth drops and I feel sick at the words. They hit harder than any curse Remus could have sent my way. I look into his eyes. There is not anger; there is no animosity, no regret, just curiosity. Yet those words have taken the breath out of my lungs. I can feel the convulsions of my body as I try to contain all the pain and regret I have lived with. I take a few thing gulps of air to steady myself. "Well, two months before James and Lily…" I close my eyes…it is too painful to look at him to see his calm demeanor as we discuss why I didn't trust him and why James and Lily died.

I feel transported back. I look around the small kitchen of our apartment. "Where the hell did put that knife?" I look to Remus, standing in front of the stove. "I'm not sure Padfoot, but please don't try a summoning charm on it. Last time you almost took my nose off. And frankly, I've grown rather attached to Bartholomew." I give him an incredulous look. "Bartholomew? You named your nose Bartholomew?" Remus nodded solemnly. "Yes, he is Bartholomew, what else would be his name? I mean, doesn't he just look like a Bartholomew?" I study his nose for a second. "No, actually I think your nose comes off as more as a…Jacob." Remus's face contorts to mock horror. "How dare you insult Bartholomew? I demand you apologize or face the consequences!"

I sigh deeply. "Bartholomew, I'm sorry I insulted you. My deepest apologies Barty." I lean forward a give his nose a peck. Remus gives me a sly smile as his arms encircle my neck. "Bartholomew forgives you. But Remus junior is jealous that he isn't getting any attention." I can't help by smile wide.

My lips capture his and our tongues meet. My right hand starts to slip slowly down until it is fumbling with the button of his pants. After a few seconds I finally manage and unzip his pants. But Remus starts to move away and I back off, unable to keep the sad and surprised look off my face. "Remus, I thoug-" Remus holds up a finger. "No, trust me Padfoot, I definitely want to ride you like a broomstick. However, I also think it would be prudent to both lock the door and stop the food that is cooking." I roll my eyes. "Ugh, always wanting to play it safe Remmie." He shrugged. "What can I say; I use all my wild side on certain nights."My laugh is cut off by his lips.

A couple of hours later we lay in our bed, holding each other, just enjoying the warmth of each other's bodies. I have missed this beyond what I thought was reasonable. I wonder if it is normal for a person to miss another the way I miss Remus when I am off doing my part for the Order? But now…at this moment…Voldemort can't get to me nor can the war. Because I have in my arms part of the reason I fight. I fight so Remus can be safe. I fight for James and Lily and my godson. I fight so the world Harry grows up in will be safe. I can hardly believe that last week he turned a year old. It seems like yesterday I held him in my arms. I fight for Pete, and all the toher friends and family that make my life worth living.

My thoughts are cut off as I feel Remus shift in my arms. I look down and smile. He smiles back and gently kisses me. "You are being awfully quite, Sirius. It's a bit frightening." I smile and shrug. "I'm doing something even scarier. I'm thinking!" I look of mock horror crosses Remus's face. "Oh, goodness. The last time you had a thought, you nearly destroyed the library at Hogwarts. Madam Libri never was the same after that." I chuckle. "No, I was thinking about why I'm fighting. I'm fighting for those I love and for a better world for myself and you lot. Same as you I'm sure."

I look down and expect to see Remus smile and agree with me in some way. Instead he looks distant and sad. "Remus, darling? What's wrong?" Remus lets out sigh. "Honestly, Padfoot, I'm not always sure what I'm fighting for. I mean, I do it for you and those I love. I like to think I would keep fighting to safeguard a just world. I really don't have a personal stake in this outside of you and the others. So who knows, I would even think of giving up."

I pull away from him and look into his eyes. "Give up? Why the bloody hell would you just lay down your wand? Doesn't the idea of Voldemort taking over scare the hell out of you?" Remus shrugs. "Of course it does. He is a tyrant and pure evil. He has to be defeated, but no matter what happens, I have little to personally gain. Look at it from my shoes, Sirius. If the Ministry wins and the status quo is retained, I will suffer. You know as well as I do that the Ministry will place far greater restrictions on werewolves because almost all of them support Voldemort. I'll be oppressed more than ever. If you all are dead and Voldemort wins, well, I will be free and no longer treated as some third class citizen. But, I would have nothing to live for and it will be a regime of death for the muggles and muggle born. Volemort can recruit so many werewolves and others because he will give them the one thing they yearn for the most, freedom to live their lives without being subjugated. If the Ministry had offered them that choice Voldemort wouldn't have near the following he does. Freedom from the hands of a dictator- it sounds crazy but that is the reality for those like me. I fight against him because I love you, Sirius. I fight because even if I am going to be treated like dirt, I have you and I have you and the other Marauder's and Harry are all that I have. And that is why I keep fighting so that you will have a better future. "

I open my mouth to respond but before I can say anything coherent I suddenly hear a whooshing sound come behind me. In a moment I have my wand out pointing at the source of the sound, Remus too is out of bed, his wand steadily pointing at it…it is a patronus, a phoenix patronus. The phoenix's mouth opened and the voice of Albus Dumbledore issues from the mouth. "Sirius, I hope this finds Mister Lupin you and well. I apologize copiously for the disturbance of your time away, but I am afraid I need to meet with you now. Just you, Remus does not need to attend. Come to Lily and James's house post haste."

I turn and look at Remus. His wand his is now dangling at his side. His eyes flicker to me. "Well, that can't be good." He puts his wand on the bedside table and sits back on the bed. He looks at me with a dejected expression. "Remus, I'm sorry-". But Remus interrupts me. "It's okay. Duty does call after all." I walk to the other side of the best and sit next to him, I reach out and embrace him. "Yes, but I wish it didn't now. I almost feel like I just had a one night stand!" we both chuckle.

In ten minutes I was ready. I give Remus a brief but passionate kiss and then make my way out of the apartment to the ally next the building. I look around to ensure that I was alone. Seeing no one I disappear with a loud CRACK.

After a few suffocating seconds I appear in front of the home of my best friend. I wave my wand and a patronus in the shape of a wolf bursts from my wand and enters the house. A few seconds later the door opens and I see Lily stand in the door waving me in.

I push open the gate, cross the yard and embrace her. She returns the embrace and looks up at me with a tired smile. "Thank you for coming so quickly, Padfoot." I pat her on the back as we release from the hug. She leads the way in and I can't help but notice how tired and worried she looks. Anyone who knew Lily Evans Potter would know that the look was very atypical of her.

She leads the way through the den to the kitchen. In the kitchen sits Prongs, Peter, and Professor Dumbledore. All three wear the same expression on their face…it's an expression of worry and apprehension. James strives forward and bestows a hug. But it feels very shallow and almost I can feel the stress and the tenseness of his body.

Lily follows behind me and takes the seat between Dumbledore and James. I take the last chair that is between James and Pete. Dumbledore clears his throat and pulls out parchment. "Sirius, I am please forgive me for disturbing you on the first night of your vacation. But I'm afraid this information cannot wait until a later date. What I am about to tell you is very sensitive information that is not to leave this room. As you very well know, we have for some months realized that we more than likely have a traitor amongst us. The amount of leaks, the increased number of causalities, as well as our own spies have all given credence to this. We have tried quietly to find out who it is. We do not have concrete evidence that points to whom the spy is, however, we have some anecdotal evidence that points to someone."

James stands and starts to pace. "Albus, I'm not totally sure about the veracity of your information. I mean, come on. None of my friends would betray the Order or us. It's utter nonsense." Lily nodded. "It's not who he is. He would never betray us. You remember what he did to himself back at Hogwarts when he thought he had lost us all. I realize he has changed a lot since those days but I don't think he has changed that much."

I feel confused but a sinking feeling in my gut makes me feel like I could be sick. I feel like I know who they are talking about but I don't want it to be true. Maybe it was someone else. It has to be someone else. But I am not stupid. All the Marauders are here but Remus. I clear my throat. "Guys, are we talking about Remus?" I scan the room with the hope someone will reply in the negative. My eyes silently plead with everyone that I am wrong. James shifts uncomfortably. Lily looks to James, and Peter looks down into his lap. Albus's eyes flicker to me and meet mine. "I'm afraid that we are indeed speaking of Remus." I close my eyes and take a deep breath. This isn't happening. It can't be Remus. But even as I repeat this mantra the conversation we just had seeps back into my mind. I try to suppress the vomit that I can feel making its way up my body.

After a few seconds I look back into the piercing blue eyes of my old Headmaster. "Professor Dumbledore, why on earth do you think it is Remus? He has faced death many times for us. I mean, remember the Battle of Winchester six months ago? He is the one who gave us the intelligence he gatherd from the other werewolves that the Death Eaters may be looking to attack there. He took out eight Death Eaters himself."

Dumbledore nods. "This is an accurate statement, but with the killing of Kale Shacklebolt and Sinclair Spellman last week gave us some disturbing information. Only a few people knew where they were. Outside of those of us sitting in this room, only Remus and Frank Longbottom knew of their location. The same goes for Clement Howard who died last month except Frank was unaware of his mission. Now, one of my spies report that Lord Voldemort knows information about young Harry that very few would know. So few in fact we can limit it to you, Peter, and Remus."

Peter chimes in, still looking down at his hands. "And who has the most to gain? He is obviously the one to gain the most if He who must not be named wins this war. He has spent a lot of time with other werewolf, who is to say that instead of him converting them, they haven't converted him." I lower my head into my hands. Oh, God I think in despair. Could it be true? I do not want to but I finally raise my head. "Before you summoned me, Remus and I have a conversation." I tell them about the conversation. I can see the color draining from everyone as I repeat the words of my love…or is he my love? Does he still love me? If he is a traitor who is to say that the love he had for me hasn't gone out the window along with this loyalty to the Order. My insides feel like ash and dust. My mind races and tears start to flow freely out of my eyes.

What am I to him? Am I now just a source of information and a fuck? Was the love that I held dear, that kept me going day in and day out as I faced death…was it just an illusion? But I have to defend him. He is my Remus…the full Moon that provides light in these dark days. "But that doesn't mean anything; this is Remus we are talking about. Moony would never betray us. He was just musing. The war is wearing all of us thin. I know sometimes I have dark thoughts like that." Albus nods. "Of course we do. Sirius, we are not saying Remus is most definitely the spy. We are simply looking at all possibilities and the circumstantial evidence. But some of that evidence does indeed point to Remus. That is why we are pulling him from some of his duties and are not going to bring him to some of the information meetings of the Order. You will also be on reduced activity so you can more closely watch the movements and actives of Remus." I let out a hallow laugh. "So you want me to spy on Remus? You want to spy on my lover?" Dumbledore stares at me for a few seconds. "Yes." His answer is simple and his word is gentle. James moves closer to me and places a hand on my shoulder. I throw it off and look at him. "You honestly believe that Remus is a bloody spy? ARE YOU MAD?" My voice rises with each words until I am practically shouting. James takes the rebuke. "Sirius, we want you to eliminate Remus as the spy so we can find out who it is." I look at everyone once more and sigh, closing my eyes as I do . "Very well, but one day I swear on everything that I love, you all will owe Remus one giant arse apology."

When I open my eyes I see myself surrounded by trees. I turn and see Remus. His chin is resting on his chest his eyes are watery but there are no tears. He looks over at me and gives a sad smile. "Thank you for telling me. I spent so long wondering what happened and why. When I saw you last month in the Shrieking Shack and realized there was something and realized you thought I was the spy…I just…well…I tried to think back to what would make you think I was the spy. Now it sort of makes sense." I look into his eyes and I see no anger. I see the calm soul of my lover. I feel a rush of affection for him. Through all of giant fuck ups that almost claimed his life and that of my Godson that claimed the life of my two best friends, I can still see the infinite compassion and love. I drop to my knees, grab his hands and lay my head on his lap. I feel the lips on my head. I look up into his eyes. "Remus, I asked you this in the Shack but I ask again, for what I did to you, for what I did to James, Lily, and Harry, please forgive me." Remus takes my hands and kisses them. "You are forgiven, Sirius. Always and completely, you will always be forgiven because real love does not hold a grudge."


	13. Chapter 13: The Photo Album

**AN: Merry Christmas to one and all! May you all be stuffed to the gills with yummy food and receive wonderful things and such! Consider this chapter a gift from me to you. As always all is owned by the fantastic and wonderful JK. **

**Chapter 13:The Photo Album**

My first conscience thought when I woke up was something was wrong. Panic gripped every inch of my body as I try to figure out what was wrong. My eyes can the dark room and finally I realize what it was. Sirius was not in bed. A new wave of panic started to set in. Had I dreamed the past few days? Was Sirius here, back in my arms all a mirage? I try to steady my breath and calm my palpitating heart. "Sirius?" I call out in low voice. I wait a few seconds. All that greets me is silence. It was a silence that presses into every fiber of my being. I slip out from underneath my bed sheets and make my way to the door. I can see light from crack beneath the door. I open it softly and gaze in.

There he is. He is naked and sitting on the floor with his legs crossed. He is hunched over looking at what looks like a giant book. I push the door open and silently walk just past the frame. "Sirius?" I ask again quietly. His head jerked slightly and his eyes found me. He smiles softly and beckons me to join him. I make my way to him and sit next to him on the floor. I see what he is holding now; it's an old school photo album. The page he is on had a picture of him, James, me, and…the traitor, our very own Judas...Peter Pedigrew. The four of us are all piled onto one of our beds. Sirius and I are propped up on the bed by the pillows, his uniform askew. He is holding me, his hands on my hips and his lips on my forehead. James is sitting on the corner of the bed, a look of humor and awkwardness grace his face. Standing next to him was Pedigrew. A flash of rage comes across me and I think of how just a few weeks ago I could have ended his pathetic existence. My anger though is interrupted by Sirius. He lays his head on my shoulder and his left hand finds my hand and our fingers intertwine. It was if he read my mind. His hand in mine is more powerful than any calming spell the most powerful witch or wizard could cast.

I feel his eyes on me and I glance over at him. "Did you see the date of the picture?" I look down and look. Suddenly it all comes flooding back to me. At first I didn't recognize the picture of any particular time but the date…it was the day I had been released from the hospital ward after my attempt…

Madam Pomfrey was still fussing over me. I should be used to this by now. She did it at least once a month but this went beyond that. Even now I can still see the concern in her eyes and how her eyes kept flickering into mine. Even Biggleworth the Blind could see the maternal worry. Part of me felt a rush of affection for her. It always meant much to me when someone cared about me. Few if anyone…no, I do have some, I remind myself. I have to stop thinking no one does. James does, Peter does, Sirius…Sirius…he does. I have to force myself to think it. Yes, we had made up and told each other how much we loved each other, yet…part of me was still in fear and part of me doubted him. I hated it. I should trust him of all people without hesitation. Yet, it was he who broke that trust by telling Sanpe. I sigh and close my eyes. "Don't worry Remus, dear. I'm almost done. I just want to be totally sure the blood replenishing potion was strong enough."

I had almost forgotten Madam Pomfrey was there. I quickly think of something to tell her. "Sorry Madam Pomfrey, it's not you. I just didn't sleep well last night. I was fantasizing about my bed in the dormitory." She giggles and rolls her eyes. It wasn't a complete lie. The bed was much softer and there was a certain someone who would be waiting in my bed. It was a Saturday so there were no classes and I would bet a galleon that Sirius wasn't studying. With a final nod I was officially released from the hospital wing. I had been thinking of this moment for the last few days. I had thought I would dash at top speed to the common room and to be with my friends and boyfriend as fast as I could. But now that I was at the moment that I had dreamed for, I found myself hesitant and torn. Sirius and I had reconciled and he had like clockwork came to the infirmary every day during his breaks and after dinner. We joked, laughed, and did everything we had done before. Yet, it was in those moments of silence that I felt an awkward tension between us. It worried me greatly. I wonder if he has felt it to. If he did why didn't he bring it up? Oh…probably the same reason I had not brought it up. Something between us, something in our relationship had changed after my attempt even more dramatically than when I found out Sirius had told Snape my furry secret.

But this time it was my fault. I know and cannot escape that fact. I could have forgiven Sirius but instead of following my instinct to trust the person I love, I over ruled it with my stupidity and with my pessimism about how people feel about me. I had so long expected purposeful betrayal it had become a fulfilled prophecy. I thought that if I were dead it would be the best outcome for all. Sirius could move on and stop pretending guilt and I wouldn't have to live with the loss of the man I loved and my friends who made my pathetic existence worth going through. Yet now, because of my actions, the fear of loss started to seep into my brain. Before I was ready I was at the portrait of the Fat Lady. "Remus Lupin, you look much better than the last time I saw you!" she said smiling." I didn't return the smile. "Merlin's Beard" I say in a barely audible voice. Muttering about rude people she swung open to reveal the entrance to the common room. It was practically deserted except for two third year girls who sat giggling in a corner. No James, Sirius, or Peter waiting to welcome me back. Go figure.

After what happened they probablywanted nothing to do with me after all. Perhaps they were afraid if they avoided the hospital wing after what happened they might get blamed or I would just try to repeat my actions. I feel tears in my eyes wanting released but I do all I can to keep them in. I will not be weak and give them the satisfaction. I look at the spiral staircase leading to the dormitory. I want to take a nap and feel the warm embrace of my sheets and the soft bed beneath me. Instead I turn and walk back out the way I had just come. Hardly had I passed the painting did I bump into someone. "Sorry" I mutter quietly without looking at the person and make to walk past when a hand grabs mine softly.

I look at the hand before letting my eyes travel up to the face. It was Lily. Her green eyes sparkle with concern as she gazes at me. "Remus, where have you been? You missed so many classes and McGonagall would not tell me what happened. Neither would Potter, Black, or Peter." I tried thinking of a lie but with her eyes so full of concern and compassion all I could do was bow my head. "Lily, we should talk." We made our way to my little quite niche in the library. As I tell her everything I see her eyes widen in shock and sadness than narrow in bitter anger. By the end of my story her eyes are watery with tears. She reaches out and holds my hand. "Rem, how could you think that no one cares about you? You are my friend and love you like a brother. How could you think for a second I wouldn't give a crap if you died?" Her words have an edge of anger in them, much like Sirius's words had when he first talked to me. "Lily" I mumble, "You will go on, get married, have lots of kids, and live a good and full life. I won't. I'll be hated and alone. But then I had them come into my life and Sirius…someone I had scolded myself for falling in love with told me he felt the same. I felt like I had been freed from the life of misery that I knew awaited me. But when he told Snape…I…I thought it was over I thought I had lost everything. Whoever said it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all is full of shit. When that is all you have and you lose it, it breaks you. The fact I resisted doing what I did as long as I had shocks me. When Sirius looked at me and told me what he had done, it more painful than any full moon. And even if we have reconciled and if somehow if he actually means what he has said about still loving me, there will always be this between us. He betrayed me in telling Severus my secret and I betrayed him by trying to end my pathetic existence because if he loves, he would have been devastated."

Lily sighed. "You know Rem, he did betray you. But you still love him and you still want him. You betrayed him and he has said he still wants you. I was raised to believe that you forgive and forget. If you love him, don't doubt that he says." All I could do is nod. Lily, as usual, was right. I love him, it's really that simple. Though part of my heart screamed in protest, reminding me how much pain he had caused me and how he could never love a freak like me. I close my eyes and do all I can to squash the voice. A warm hand comes to rest on my cheek. "Rem, just go find him. And promise me no matter what, even if everyone you love dies, never do anything to yourself like this again because than we would have to come back and kick your ass." I sigh and open my eyes as I get up. "I promise Lily pad, and thank you." She smiles and winks. "No, get going furball!" I roll my eyes and I walk to the dormitory, but now my walk is swift. I push through the Fat Lady's portrait and into the common room, now deserted. I make my way up the stairs and take a deep breath and push open the door. My eyes take in the room and I see Sirius sitting on my bed, his back against the headboard. I open my mouth to say something but I realize his eyes are shut.

From the other side of the room I hear a soft voice. "He was up all night; he said he was too excited to sleep. He finally fell asleep about two hours ago. He would have come down to the hospital wing but he had a detention for Slughorn this morning so he couldn't nap then." James was sitting on the edge of his own bed with a copy of Quidditch Weekly in his hands. He gazes at me in silence for a few seconds before standing up and bringing me into a hug. "Great to have you back Moony. Anyway, I'm going to go spy on Lily for a while. I'm sure Padfoot will want to welcome you in his own way." His mouth twitched on the last word before breaking into a smile. He makes his way to the door, but turned quickly as made his way out of the door. "Just please remember the silence charm this time."

I chuckle and walk to my bed. I can't help but smile. He stayed up for me, something so simple but so touching. I lay down gently on the bed so I don't wake him. I maneuver myself so my head is lying in his lap. Had I really come so close to losing this? At this moment the events of the past few days seem like a lifetime ago. The minuets tick by and I feel my eyelids grow heavier and eventually I fall into darkness.

My eyes fly open as two very heavy objects fall on top of me. I scramble in the bed as I feel Sirius's body do the same. Looking around I see what interrupted my sleep, a laughing Peter and James. I hear the snap of a camera and looking up I see Lily smiling lowering her camera. From behind me I feel arms close around me and pull me into a tight hug, feeling my back pop in several places at the same time. Lips meet mine in a passionate kiss. Sirius, ignoring the two other Marauders' now in the bed, seemingly only had eyes for me. "MOONY!" I feel another kiss, this one landing on my neck. My eyes close, enjoying the sensations coursing through my body. I can feel the movement of the bed as the two other get out of the bed quickly.

I open my eyes and I gaze into Sirius's eyes as we sit on my sitting room floor. His face is alive with humor and he is laughing. "I swear I never saw James move that quickly unless it involved Lily." His laughing renews. I can't stop myself, his laugh is contagious and I start laughing too. Minuets to tick and we quite down, both of us become pensive. Finally, Sirius breaks the silence. "Rem, can I ask, if you thought you lost your friends and you tried to end your life, was the reason you didn't do it after the nights James and Lily died because of the promise?" I shake my head. "Actually, not really. There was something else that kept me going." Sirius waits for me to say what it was but I don't. "Was it because you thought I may be innocent?" he asks as he places his hand on my knee. I can't look him in the eyes as I tell him the truth. "No, Pads, I thought you were guilty of everything they accused you of." I look up and see the look in his face. A quite sadness has replaced the happiness of a few minutes previously. "So, what was it?" He asks his downcast eyes upon the floor. "It was Harry." His head snaps up and looks at me. "His parents were dead, Peter I thought was dead, his godfather as good as. I was the only one left. I have a responsibility to James and Lily to protect him when I can and be able to tell him how wonderful his parents were. If I were dead, that would be the end of the Marauder's. I couldn't let that happen until I knew Harry would be safe, happy, and knew his parents as well as possible." Sirius smiles and nods his agreement. "Well, as James pointed out, you are the closest thing he ever had to a godmother." His bark like laughs at the last part and he jumps up, knowing full well I would never let him get away with that.


	14. Chapter 14: Halloween 1981

AN: Sorry for the long delay, it's been a very hectic few months. I hope you enjoy! Please Review! Oh and of course JK owns all of this.

Chapter 14: Halloween 1981

Remus waves his wand in the direction of the tea pot and it floats steadily over and pours a generous amount of tea into both cups. I can't help but grabbing it and drinking the whole thing in one gulp. The warmth of the tea slides down my throat and I almost want to shiver in delight. Even after almost a year of being free from Azkaban…just the simple delight of a cup of tea is intoxicating.

I look up from the cup and see Remus smirking at me as he moves to refill my cup. "I always knew I was an expert tea maker" he says confidently. I roll my eyes. "If you must tell yourself that Moony, I will let you live in your land of delusion." I sip this cup more slowly, savoring the taste. I look up and see Remus staring at me, a questioning look in his eyes. It was a look I know all too well. He wants to ask a question but is afraid…something I never understood about him. For all that we have been through, the years we have been friends and lovers, he still had that hint of fear in him. It was as if he was afraid I would disavow him over a simple question.

"Moony, love, you are giving me that look again. Just ask it." I smile at the end to show him it wasn't said out of irritation…although there was a bit of it in me. Remus sets his drink down slowly. "Sirius, I'm not sure if I should. It's…a touchy subject" I roll my eyes. "Yes, Remus, we can do it doggy style next full moon." The smile and laugh I had expected did not come. Remus takes another sip of tea before speaking again. "I want to know what happened the night James and Lily died."

The question does not take me by surprise. Remus was one who always wanted to know all the facts on something. When Professor Binns spoke of something in class that (somehow) Remus found interesting, instead of asking the Professor and getting a long winded and meandering response, Remus would dash to the library to find out the whole story. Really, I'm surprised it has taken this long to ask. Remus seems to mistake my silence for anger or unwillingness. "Sirius, I'm sorry I know it's painful and…and…difficult, but, after you left the apartment….I just want to fill in the blanks. You leave than next thing I know you are under arrest and Lily, James, and Peter are dead."

I nod. "It's not that I'm unwilling, I'm just trying to figure out how to say it. Because, really except for the very basics I told to Dumbledore that night Harry rescued me, I haven't spoken about it to anyone." I close my eyes, imagining the scene that took place so many years ago.

"Sirius?" I look up from the parchment laid out on the table before me. It was a message from Dumbledore about a mission he wanted to send me on before I too would be put under a Fidelias charm. I wasn't looking forward to it. Being stuck in one place…in hiding, disgusted me. But, in order to keep up the appearance to the Order and Dumbledore, I would have to do it. James would owe me big one day.

"Sirius?" I stop my musing at look at the pale man before me. Remus had just walked into the apartment. He had been out over an our buying groceries. Unusual as the grocer was only two blocks away. "Mhmm." I say glancing back down at my letter. I look at it but the words make no sense to me. It was as if they were in Greek. His voice almost seems repellent to me. His face has little color in it, his eyes show sadness and weariness, and hardness…a hardness than had seemed to creep into them since our graduation from Hogwarts and joining of the Order. The gentle wisdom and humor I had always loved had been replaced by that hardness…in the rare time we were together I find it harder and harder to look him straight in the eyes. Six months ago when James, Dumbledore, and the others had sat me down and told me their suspicions about Remus, it slowly dawned on me that perhaps was the reason for that hardness. He didn't…couldn't love anymore. When the dark gets you, it consumes your soul and destroys it the same as a dementors kiss.

"I was just wondering if you wanted to do something special tonight. I mean, this is the first time in almost two months it's just been the two of us without any order work. I could whip up and nice dinner and we could cuddle and listen to a quidditch game like we used to." My eyes flicker back up to him. He seems to be anxious waiting. I shrug. "Whatever." I see his face fall a little before quickly trying to force a smile. "Great, I'll start cooking in a bit." He starts to move off to the small kitchen. "Remus, I have a question." He turns and waits expectantly. "What took you so long? I mean, it's a six minute walk. Did it really take that time to shop?"

Remus seems confused by the question. "Umm, no it didn't. I stopped by…" He trails off. "Stopped by where?" Remus looks down at the floor. "I stopped by a café and met someone. Do you remember Samantha Cornwell? She was a year below us at Hogwarts. She said she might have some information that could be useful." I nod slowly. "If memory serves me correctly she was in Slytherin wasn't she?" He shrugs. "And? Just because she was a Slytherin does not mean she follows Voldemort. I mean, it's like assuming all werewolves are his followers. You obviously know that isn't true." He smiles and winks as he says the last part. I feel sick…he's rubbing it in my face. His own private sick joke I'm sure. I can't respond to anything he says. I just look back down and keep pretending to read while a sick feeling bubbles in my stomach.

Why can't I just come out and tell him I know? Well, because Dumbledore told me not to. But buggar Dumbledore, this is…was…my Remus. The man I had pledged my life and love to. But Remus had pledged his life and love to Voldemort…it wasn't fair. My mind wanders as I hear the sizzle of something cooking in the kitchen. Without Voldemort Remus and I would be a happy couple, friends would still be alive, James, Lily, and Harry wouldn't have to be in hiding. That bastard had stolen so much from me. I still hold out hope that maybe Remus has been bewitched…if he had we could still have something once this war was over. Traitor or not, the idea of Remus cowering in a Azkaban cell was too much for me…I close my eyes and try to get the image out of my mind.

Realizing I can't spend the next twenty minutes pretending to be reading the same short letter. I walk slowly to the kitchen and start watching Remus at work. He has always been such a great cook. He gets really into it, there seems to be an extra bounce in his step as he goes about it. Something that I always have loved about him is how it was the small things he seemed to enjoy. Be it cooking for people he (supposedly) cared about or just sitting in the same room reading a book, no need to make idle chat, just enjoying the other person's presence. I want that back…

He seems to finally notice my presence, he turns and smiles slightly, I look past him and return a very small smile…I know I can't do it if I actually look at him. He seems not to notice as he waves his wand and a dish goes into the small muggle oven. He turns and walks to me, I can see his arms rise up as he goes to put them around my waist, without thinking I flinch back. That he notices, the smile that had been on his face falters. His mouth opens slowly in shock and his eyes turn softer…pain takes over the hardness.

We stare at each other for a few seconds until he finally closes his mouth and bites his lip. His eyes do not blink or waver from mine. "Have we been apart so long that you've forgotten we are still a couple. Or have you neglected to tell me I've been demoted like in the Order?" I open my mouth to speak but he shakes his head. "Do you want me to move out?" His voice is calm and even, as if he were asking me the qudditch score for a game he only was semi-interested in. The shock of the question hits me like a spell. So many things race through my mind…I have to save this…I'm not going to lose him…no…I have lost him, he has to stay here because Dumbledore wants me to watch him. The latter was my brain…but it seemed so weak to me, traitor or not, he is Remus…"Moony" I say out loud without thinking. A sad smile appears on his lips. "You haven't called me that in months." I look down at the ugly lime tile. "Re…Moony, I'm sorry." I look back up into his eyes…so soft…so like the Remus I missed…"No, of course I haven't forgot and I bloody well don't want you to move out. I guess…I guess I'm just not used to be touched by anyone like that. I mean, I love you…." I trail, no words are coming to my lips.

I realize the words are true…of course they were. I love him, and seeing him now…I don't see the traitorous bastard who has sold himself to Voldemort…I see my love, my Moony, the book worm, fragile looking but strong lycan that meant everything to me. I feel so detached from myself as I take a step forward and put my lips to his. For a split of a second his lips were stiff…as if I were kissing a statue, but soon the stiffness leaves his lips and I can feel it growing somewhere else. The kiss intensifies as I wrap my arms around his waist. My lips leave his and slowly make a trail down his neck. His breathing is becoming heavier…an excitement was growing between us…an excitement that I didn't think could exist anymore. I pull back and look, really look into his eyes. They have become feral…and animals wanting to be released from its cage.

He presses his lips against mine as his hands unbutton my pants. My arms wrap around his waist and I pick him up. His legs wrap around my waist. I carry him to our bedroom and lay him down on the bed.

A couple hours later I lay in the bed wondering what I had done. "Gives a new meaning to sleeping with the enemy." I think to my self. I roll over and look at Remus. He looks sleepily at me and smiles. I force a small smile back. I hate myself right now. For the past few months I had so successfully built a wall between Remus and I. I had constrained by once uncontrollable love for him so when he was actually revealed to be the spy, I wouldn't throw myself off the tallest thing I could find. This afternoon those walls came tumbling down and I was flooded with all the emotions I now detested. Spy or not, I can't stop loving Remus John Lupin. The very person I would die for would kill me on the orders of a mad tyrant.

My thoughts are interrupted when my pocket watch blares from my discarded pocket. It was time for me to go check on Wormtail. As I move to get out of bed, Remus's hand is on my chest. "Mhmm, where are you off to love?" The word sends a shiver down my spine. I'm not sure if it's good or bad or maybe even both.

"I'm sorry, but but duty calls and all that tosh." I shrug and offer a sorry smile. His finger starts to make a circle around my nipple. I lean forward and kiss him on the lips. I had meant to just give him a quick peck but for some reason I can't seem to pull myself away. There wasn't a spark in this kiss, there was a lightning bolt. My senses take everything in, the feeling of his lips, his smell, it was overwhelming. After what I sure had to be more than a minute I pull away. "Remmie, I really am sorry, but I'm supposed to go check on Prongs and Lily-flower and than report to Albus."

He sighs and nods. "Okay, give my love to them and Harry." As I pull my clothes back on I smile, genuinely smile. It would be good to see the three of them. I know they will be happy to see me. Aside from Wormtail, I was the only one who could visit them and I know James will want to hear the latest news of the war. "Of course." Finally pulling my boots on I make for the door and take one last look at Remus. "Hurry back Padfoot." I wink and close the door.

As I leave the small apartment and go into the streets of London, I can't wipe the grin from my face. I'm not sure why, but something in me has changed, Perhaps Remus isn't the spy. All the evidence was there that pointed right to him, but looking into his eyes for the frist time in months, seeing the the change from the angry to the loving Remus I have missed...it just didn't make sense. How could someone who sold his soul to Voldemort and betray his friends look at me with those eyes? Putting emotion before facts wasn't the wisest of ideas, but everything in me is screaming "It isn't him." These thoughts course through my mind as I find a secluded ally. Waving a wand, a large motorbike appears seemingly from thin air. Usually I look forward to riding it, but tonight would be less than a stellar night As I flew higher the noises of the capital disappear.

I quietly land in another black ally. This time near Southampton. The night is cold and rainy. "Happy fucking Halloween" I murmur to myself. "When this war is over, I'm buying a house in Bermuda." There were not many kids out, most had already retreated to their nice warm homes delving into their treats. Wormtail's home is only a block away but between my thoughts on Remus and the weather, it seemed a mile. Finally, I come to the small house and walk up to the door. There is no noise or light in the house. The fat little rat probably fell asleep, eating I'm sure. I knock in the muggle morse code that spells hi. It was Lily's idea as it was doubtful any death eater would know that particular muggle tidbit. I wait...still not sound. I knock again, louder this time. Another minute goes by and there is still silence.

I can feel the fear spreading through my body. The sweat starting to soak through my clothes. I pound on the door and barely after my fist had left the door I reach for the door handle. It's unlocked. I pull out my wand and charge into the small sitting room. "Homenum Revelio". Nothing...no one is here, Panic sets in and my heart feels like it is about to beat out of my chest. My breaths are short loud...something is wrong, horribly wrong. He was supposed to be here. He was ordered to only leave this house only if it were under attack. There was no dark mark above the house and the house was tidy...nothing was out of place. I walk into the kitchen adjoining the sitting room...a goblet with some pumpkin juice sit on the table...

I put the tip of my wand to my mouth. "Albus, something is wrong. Get to Godric's Hallow now and I will meet you there." With a flick of my wand a silvery dog bursts from my wand and runs disappears as it runs through the wall. I close my eyes and turn on the spot. Landing next to my bike I jump on and going as fast as it can go, I race into the night to Godric's Hallow. Flying through the air all I feel is panic, what had happened to Wormtail? Had he been kidnapped? Was he being held some where being tortured for information? Only James, Lily, and myself had known he was the secret keeper so why target him and not me? The Order had been told I would be their secret keeper so why hadn't Voldemort or the Death Eaters attacked me?

I know something is wrong when I land next to a church in Godric's Hallow. The sounds of screams and sirens fill the air. The terror I felt before explodes through me. In the back of my mind a dreadful thought finds its voice. "They're gone." "NO!" I scream into the air. I transform into my animagus form and run as quick as my four legs can carry me. In less than three minuets I turn the corner and am stopped in my tracks and transform back.

A crowed has formed around the ruins of the house. Debris lays scattered in the streets. The house of my best friend...my brother...is almost destroyed. The air leaves my lungs as I stare. They had been attacked, that was clear. That also meant only one thing...Remus could not have been the traitor...Remus couldn't have passed the information to Voldemort...only one person could have...Peter Pettigrew...the realization strikes me to the bones. Peter had been the spy and switching secret keepers at the last moment had not protected Prongs and Lily...it had probably sealed their fate.

Numbly, I walk forward, pushing my way through the crowed and past a very irate bobby. "Sir, stop right now, this is a crime scene!" I ignore him. I push open the gate and walk through the wet yard and up the stairs...the door is open. I walk through and laying there on the floor is my brother...my fellow Murauder. I sink to my knees. His eyes are open and stare blankly at what remains of the ceiling. Sob's rip through my mouth and tears flow freely. I bury my face in his chest and my heaving cries shake the shell that was James Everett Potter. My hands tighten to his clothes. "No, James, no!" The mantra keeps escaping from my mouth without my volition. Finally, slowly my mouth dry, my face drenched in my own tears I look once more into his face. "This isn't happening...this isn't happening, this is a dream." But my mind who issues these denials know exactly how atrociously real this is. I lean forward and kiss his forehead. Reaching under his glasses I pull his eyelids down.

Swallowing the vomit that had tried to escape my stomach, I make my way up the stairs and turn left toward James and Lily's bedroom when a cry stops me cold. Not the cry of a women...the cry of a scared baby. I turn instantly and dart down the other end of the hallway. I looking into his room and see devastation. Part of the ceiling ha collapsed around the crib as well as part of the wall. A giant of a man is bending over the crib, obstructing my view of my godson. I point my wand at him. "Let go of Harry you bastard!" The man turns, holding Harry in his arms. It was Hagrid. He is holding Harry who turns and looks at me. His face is tear stained and shows terror.

A bright red scar takes up most of his small forehead. Not taking my eyes off of my godson, I walk quickly into the room when my right foot steps on something small and soft. A new wave of dread fills me...I look down...it's Lily. A new wave of nausea and tears start to overcome me when another cry from Harry brings my attention back to him.

"Sirius! Yer here, I didn' know you knew what happen'"

I move past Lily to Harry. His arms stretch out to me, the desperation to be with me was clear. "I knew something was wrong, was it Voldemort who attacked them?" Hagrid lowers his head, his big scruff beard covers most of the young boy in his arms and nods. "Where is Voldemort?" He shrugs. "Dumbledore came and took his body." My mouth falls open. "Voldemort is dead?" "It seems so, Dumbledore saw Harry's scar, he thinks that is where You Know Who tried ter...ter curse Harry." The boy in Hagrid's arms is squirming now.

'"Hagrid, give me Harry." I am vaguely shocked by the flatness of my voice. I reach out to take him, but Hagrid steps back. "Sorry, Sirius. But Dumbledore wants 'em to go to Lily's family" I step forward closer to him. My voice is louder this time. "Hagrid, I'm Harry's Godfather. I promised Jam" His name sticks in my throat as new tears start to fall. I take a second to try and compose myself. "I promised James and Lily if anything ever happened to them I would raise Harry. I promised them, Hagrid. Give Harry to me."

Hagrid shakes his head. "I'm sorry, but I got Dumbledore's orders. I'm to take 'em to the Dursley's." This battle is lost, I can see it in Hagrid's eyes. I sigh and grit my teeth. "My motorbike is near the Church down the road. You can use that to take him. I won't be needing it anymore."

Before he can say anything else, I turn and walk out of the room and out of the house, I purposefully avoid looking at James as I pass him by. I can't break down now. Only one thing is on my mind. Pettigrew. He had betrayed James, Lily, Harry, Remus, and I. He was the reason two of my best friends were dead, my godson orphaned, and my relationship with Remus was in shatters. Pettigrew had not physically attacked the three...but he was the reason it happened. Harry had been my only excuse not to find the bastard and kill him. Now, with anger I had never felt before, with hate I did not know I was capable of, I keep walking to a dark corner I turn on the spot and disappear.

The next few hours pass in a blur. I check every place I can think of where the coward would be hiding. It was just before noon as I walk through Bromley, the last place that has crossed my mind to where he could be. I feel tired and lost. My mind wanders as I walk, what had happened to James and Lily's bodies? Where will they be buried? Does Remus know what has happened yet? And Harry...why the hell did Dumbledore want him with Lily's family. As far as I know only her sister is alive and she had been a right down bitch at the wedding.

My thoughts are interrupted as something out of the corner of my eye catches my attention. A short and fat man had turned very suddenly and was walking the other way quickly...it was Peter. I turn around, whip my wand out and fire a spell just above the wall of the building he is by. Part of the wall collapses as he jumps out of the way and tumbles into the street.

He quickly scrambles from the ground, his eyes are wide in fear. "PETTIGREW!" I bellow at the top of my lungs. He seems to shrink, his eyes are wide and even from a distance I can see him panting. I take four steps forward. I can see people running from where we are. Cars in the road of have stopped leaving us a wide berth. I take in his apperance, this pathetic excuse of a wizard had done this. This sniveling bastard had destroyed my world. Of all the people I knew, he was the least likely, besides James, to have been capable of this. I see him pull his wand out, he is holding it at the mid point of the wand and the tip is facing just under his arm. The damn fool can't even hold his wand right.

"James and Lily! How could you Sirius?" His loud squeaky voice bugs me, and I know that it will be the last time I will ever have to hear it. "Avad-" I start to say, but my spell is interupted, a giant fireball erupts not far from behind him. Everything seems to be in slow motion, I see his grin and I see him transform into the rat he is. In a heartbeat, he is gone. My view is now unbroken, I can see several mangled bodies, one, someone who had to be younger than me, her body torn apart.

Peter Pettigrew had done this...perfectly. Someone who I had once made fun of for having just a little more magical ability than a squib had betrayed us and now had escaped. I low chuckle erupts from my mouth and once I start, I can't stop. My laugh reverburates around the choas and all I can think of is how little Peter Pettigrew has done the impossible.


	15. Chapter 15

AN: Hello, everyone! I hope you are well. It's been a rather crappy two years. My grandpa, who raised me and I took care of while I got my BA,passed away and my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer. So I haven't had time to write. But I am ready to get back at it. I am re-uploading Betrayed, and splitting it into two stories. For the Marauder's era and post-Azkaban era. So, I will be re-uploading AND expanding both stories. For the new chapters, I will mark with an asterisk. Thank you everyone!.


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